singerinthedark | Reflections

Reflections

Did you ever have a moment where you are in your car, heading home, and you get the sudden urge to pick a direction and keep driving until you have to pull over to sleep, get up, and then keep going?

I had a moment like that not too long ago. I haven't entirely lost the urge yet.

Or how about this: Have you ever felt so restless, so desirous of change that you wanted to exersize, run, jog, swim, whatever, until every muscle in your body burned and ached?

I need to get out of this house. I need to get a job. I don't want to take work that I am not passionate about - I am afraid that I'll get stuck. On a different level, I recognize that I can't sit around waiting for the perfect job to appear. I need to find something to do in the interum, not only for my sanity, but also to ensure I have a place to live, food to eat, etc. as the year wears onward. It's just frustrating because all of the environmental positions that come up are for people with 10+ years of experience as a scientist. There are few/no entry level positions opening up right now. GRRRR!

I need to change, to bend, to fix my life. I need for everything to be o-kay, right now, because I said so. That's right, Universe, you heard me. Because. I. Said. So. I'll even throw in the magic words: Please. Thank you.

I need to let go. I need to throw my hands up in the air and accept this life as my own. I recognize that I still haven't done that - not in my heart of hearts. I am still waiting to wake up, waiting for Matt to still be alive, and for my life to still be full of the possibilities that I was counting on. I can't fly until I figure out how to fall, and I can't fall until I let go.

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Yes, I get that way frequently. When I was young and not tied down by a career and other such responsibilities, I used to indulge in it often. You would never know when I'd get a wild hair and end up in San Diego, Seattle, Salt Lake City, etc. I'd often explore small towns with no names but charming buildings. I would meet wonderful, colourful people - and promise to stay in touch but rarely do so.

When I got older, I managed to snag a job for a couple of years that was 100% international travel. THAT was fun, and left me with a lifetime of memories and amusing (and occasionally terrifying) stories.

Now I just schedule my itchy feet and try to limit them to one weekend a quarter of random driving.

As to work, I STRONGLY recommend that you do some temp work for a while. I worked as a biochemist for Neonatology for two years through the UCD Temporary Employment Pool, and if you check with

groblek I'm pretty sure there are other temporary scientific companies out there. The point is to be *doing* something, even if it isn't perfect. You'll gain experience, prove you can do good work and more importantly. . . you'll make contacts. Don't wait for the perfect job, because in all honesty you don't know what will be perfect until you try it. I never in a million years would have guessed I'd end up a "computer geek". My educational background was in HISTORY, for goodness sake! I thought I'd be a curator someplace, but those jobs are few and far between. I found that I love the career I fell into though, and you may too. Take the leap, dear one.

I know what that's like. I felt utterly lost after graduating, also not wanting to get stuck in something I didn't like but under a great deal of pressure to take the first thing that came along so I could support the now-ex and get the heck away from my folks.

Temping really seems to be the way to go for entry-level nowdays. So many companies favor the temp-to-hire scheme. And as I found out, in some ways a temp position may be more secure than a low-level FT job. You pick up experience and if you're totally bored or stressed you can move on to the next thing.

There are quite a few science temping agencies out there--also, lots of large temp agencies have special divisions devoted to tech/sci positions. I used several of them to get interviews--it's a little crazy sometimes but it's best to have several doing legwork for you at the same time. Even if you have days when you can't bear to job-hunt (as I did, frequently) they're still looking for you, and it takes some of the pressure off of you. I can give you reviews of recruiters and agencies I've used, if you'd like.

Hang in there. Everything you need to enact change in your life is already in you, somewhere. You keep digging and you'll find it.

-Christina

I'd love to hear what you have to say about the temp agencies that you've worked for... There are a lot of them out there, and it's a little overwhelming, to say the least.

I used to just pick a direction when that mood struck and run hard. *shrugs* Take $1.00 bus fare and you don't even have to worry about getting home -- you can just take unitrans if you're that tired.

It's about the only time I run, but sometimes it's less important where you're going than that you not be where you are...

Hugs.

hugs!

I used to do that, living in davis... just keep driving away out on those long straught central valley roads. Never very far, only as far as dixon or woodland or winters, usually... but that was long for me.

I wish you well in whatever you do. believe me, getting some experience working is definitely invaluable, and if there are scientific temp agencies as those above suggested, then that's a definite place to start, not as bad as a general temp agency.

I understand what you mean about being afraid you'll get stuck... you just have to remember to ask yourself every day how you feel about what you're doing. and you have friends around you who will also remind you if you look like you're stuck. you may have lost (wow, I really don't have the words, but I'll try) an incalculable person in your life, but there are others of us who love you too and will be around to help. I know it's not as good as he would have been... but it's something. so more *hugs*

Hiya dear -
Here's a support note.
SUPPORT!
:)
I empathize.
Keep up the positive - AND LET IT GO!
Let that energy out into the universe and let it do it's thing.
Go with the Flow! and let the job come to you - you KNOW that it wont come around the way you think it will -right?
It may come at you in a very obtuse direction so don't hold yourself back, go out and do - If you have that much desire not to get held down - YOU WONT! - in a year or so if what you are doing in the interim gets you down then MOVE ON - I KNOW you can and will. But - who knows - maybe that is how you are supposed to make a contact for that dream job - Or maybe you need to take a trip - or whatever inspires you.
:)
IF you do come out our way the couch is always free.
HUGS,
:) C
!SUPPORT! :)

I hear you sis.
~ C

My friend

cahwyguy calls this "Zen Driving" and claims to have discovered all manner of neat stuff this way.

I am known for Zen'ing my way to places. I have always gotten where I need to be and usually I am late getting there. Take the good with the bad I guess. Personally, I know the restless feeling of not feeling like you are doing anything, but I don't think a "any" job will fix that. I have a job, a full time one that I've had for 10 years, and I am incredibly restless, often feeling like my job is just a restraint rather than a focus. Still, the only way to find out is to try things. Some jobs suck off the bat, some take a while to mature into their full suck potential and others are just wonderful (I being optimistic with that last one), but as others have said, the perfect job is often found someplace you didn't expect. Good luck.

-Sean

"some take a while to mature into their full suck potential ... is hella funny.

Well done, sir!

Works on a bike too. And out here, you can often find more interesting places on a bike than in a car. You're in a decent part of Davis for exploratory rambles. There's odd old barns out in the fields south of you, scenery on the westward bike path, etc. And we look to have a bit of good weather popping up.

Fall always makes me restless that way. Something about the wind and the season changing, and knowing that winter will send me into hibernation.

As for the general 'not wanting to accept the life you've got', you're far from alone. I've seen a half dozen posts just in my list over the past two weeks that have, at their core, the message that the poster knows that they have lots of good things in their lives to be happy about, and yet they're not. Life isn't what they want it to be in a variety of frustrating ways, and it makes it so much harder to let themselves be happy with the things that are where they want them. I have the same dissatisfaction sitting in my own heart. And that's all without the particular brand of troubles you've had. I don't know how much comfort it is--but you're not alone in your feelings, and many of us fight to accept the life we have with far less reason to reject it. Be gentle with yourself and the Universe.

we're not meant to be totally happy. We're meant to strive, to try, to do more, to keep pushing the envelope, et cetera.

Oh, and T? i have a copy of Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow if you want to borrow. I found it valuable, and also What Color Is Your Parachute and my copy is all post-it-noted and highlighted and underlined, and like that. It's a damn good book for helping determine a path.

Lemme know if you want to borrow both or either. Good stuff, Maynard!!

I'm not looking for "totally happy." I'll take "mildly-not-the-suck," or even, "unhappy, but motivated." Either way it would be much better than where I'm at right now.

motivation is pretty damn hard, innit?

i ... have trouble even imagining your headspace, mainly because I find it a scary place... I visit but you have to live there.
I know your experience with death has got to be rougher for you than mine was for me... after all, my dad was sick for a long time. (it's also been close to 12 years now, finally...
=x

you know, we just watched Run, Lola, Run and there's this scene where Manni and Lola are lying together under a red light and he asks her if he died what would she do? The conversation they have is pretty interesting. I won't spoil it by telling you, I do recommend the movie though. It's rather thought provoking.

And do let me know if you'd like to borrow ze book(s). They did help me get organized, which helped me get motivated cos I could grab the end of the string to start unravelling the knot!

I know which scene you are talking about. (Awesome movie, by the way. There's another one made by the same people that is almost as good. I can't remember the title, though.) I made Matt have one of those conversations with me. I told him what I wanted, then he replied with, "I'm not going to die." Well, that's not true. I did weasle out of him that he wanted to be cremated. Then he told me that he wasn't going to to die. My best guess is that he'd want me to do what I needed to do to be truly content with my life.

While I appreciate the offer of books, I won't borrow them just yet. I've had a hard time keeping my concentration long enough to read anything, with just a very few exceptions. I'd borrow them, and then probably not read them as I got distracted with the pulp fantasy and horror novels that have managed to keep my attention. I have managed to put my name down for several temp agencies... I just need to keep my head up until something comes through.

yay for pulp fantasy and horror...
just reread one of the Anita Blake novels, and also have recently reread a lot of SF/Fantasy.

You wanna come over for Brunch this sunday? I'd love to have you. A few nifty people seem to be planning to attend... you know?

E-mail me with the time/place. I'll be there.

By the way, that last anonymous post was me...

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