Reflections

[singerinthedark]

Did you ever have a moment where you are in your car, heading home, and you get the sudden urge to pick a direction and keep driving until you have to pull over to sleep, get up, and then keep going?

I had a moment like that not too long ago. I haven't entirely lost the urge yet.

Or how about this: Have you ever felt so restless, so desirous of change that you wanted to exersize, run, jog, swim, whatever, until every muscle in your body burned and ached?

I need to get out of this house. I need to get a job. I don't want to take work that I am not passionate about - I am afraid that I'll get stuck. On a different level, I recognize that I can't sit around waiting for the perfect job to appear. I need to find something to do in the interum, not only for my sanity, but also to ensure I have a place to live, food to eat, etc. as the year wears onward. It's just frustrating because all of the environmental positions that come up are for people with 10+ years of experience as a scientist. There are few/no entry level positions opening up right now. GRRRR!

I need to change, to bend, to fix my life. I need for everything to be o-kay, right now, because I said so. That's right, Universe, you heard me. Because. I. Said. So. I'll even throw in the magic words: Please. Thank you.

I need to let go. I need to throw my hands up in the air and accept this life as my own. I recognize that I still haven't done that - not in my heart of hearts. I am still waiting to wake up, waiting for Matt to still be alive, and for my life to still be full of the possibilities that I was counting on. I can't fly until I figure out how to fall, and I can't fall until I let go.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I am known for Zen'ing my way to places. I have always gotten where I need to be and usually I am late getting there. Take the good with the bad I guess. Personally, I know the restless feeling of not feeling like you are doing anything, but I don't think a "any" job will fix that. I have a job, a full time one that I've had for 10 years, and I am incredibly restless, often feeling like my job is just a restraint rather than a focus. Still, the only way to find out is to try things. Some jobs suck off the bat, some take a while to mature into their full suck potential and others are just wonderful (I being optimistic with that last one), but as others have said, the perfect job is often found someplace you didn't expect. Good luck.

-Sean

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

"some take a while to mature into their full suck potential ... is hella funny.

Well done, sir!