Reflections

[singerinthedark]

Did you ever have a moment where you are in your car, heading home, and you get the sudden urge to pick a direction and keep driving until you have to pull over to sleep, get up, and then keep going?

I had a moment like that not too long ago. I haven't entirely lost the urge yet.

Or how about this: Have you ever felt so restless, so desirous of change that you wanted to exersize, run, jog, swim, whatever, until every muscle in your body burned and ached?

I need to get out of this house. I need to get a job. I don't want to take work that I am not passionate about - I am afraid that I'll get stuck. On a different level, I recognize that I can't sit around waiting for the perfect job to appear. I need to find something to do in the interum, not only for my sanity, but also to ensure I have a place to live, food to eat, etc. as the year wears onward. It's just frustrating because all of the environmental positions that come up are for people with 10+ years of experience as a scientist. There are few/no entry level positions opening up right now. GRRRR!

I need to change, to bend, to fix my life. I need for everything to be o-kay, right now, because I said so. That's right, Universe, you heard me. Because. I. Said. So. I'll even throw in the magic words: Please. Thank you.

I need to let go. I need to throw my hands up in the air and accept this life as my own. I recognize that I still haven't done that - not in my heart of hearts. I am still waiting to wake up, waiting for Matt to still be alive, and for my life to still be full of the possibilities that I was counting on. I can't fly until I figure out how to fall, and I can't fall until I let go.

Comments

[lyahdan.livejournal.com]

Works on a bike too. And out here, you can often find more interesting places on a bike than in a car. You're in a decent part of Davis for exploratory rambles. There's odd old barns out in the fields south of you, scenery on the westward bike path, etc. And we look to have a bit of good weather popping up.

Fall always makes me restless that way. Something about the wind and the season changing, and knowing that winter will send me into hibernation.

As for the general 'not wanting to accept the life you've got', you're far from alone. I've seen a half dozen posts just in my list over the past two weeks that have, at their core, the message that the poster knows that they have lots of good things in their lives to be happy about, and yet they're not. Life isn't what they want it to be in a variety of frustrating ways, and it makes it so much harder to let themselves be happy with the things that are where they want them. I have the same dissatisfaction sitting in my own heart. And that's all without the particular brand of troubles you've had. I don't know how much comfort it is--but you're not alone in your feelings, and many of us fight to accept the life we have with far less reason to reject it. Be gentle with yourself and the Universe.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

we're not meant to be totally happy. We're meant to strive, to try, to do more, to keep pushing the envelope, et cetera.

Oh, and T? i have a copy of Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow if you want to borrow. I found it valuable, and also What Color Is Your Parachute and my copy is all post-it-noted and highlighted and underlined, and like that. It's a damn good book for helping determine a path.

Lemme know if you want to borrow both or either. Good stuff, Maynard!!

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

I'm not looking for "totally happy." I'll take "mildly-not-the-suck," or even, "unhappy, but motivated." Either way it would be much better than where I'm at right now.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

motivation is pretty damn hard, innit?

i ... have trouble even imagining your headspace, mainly because I find it a scary place... I visit but you have to live there.
I know your experience with death has got to be rougher for you than mine was for me... after all, my dad was sick for a long time. (it's also been close to 12 years now, finally...
=x

you know, we just watched Run, Lola, Run and there's this scene where Manni and Lola are lying together under a red light and he asks her if he died what would she do? The conversation they have is pretty interesting. I won't spoil it by telling you, I do recommend the movie though. It's rather thought provoking.

And do let me know if you'd like to borrow ze book(s). They did help me get organized, which helped me get motivated cos I could grab the end of the string to start unravelling the knot!

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

I know which scene you are talking about. (Awesome movie, by the way. There's another one made by the same people that is almost as good. I can't remember the title, though.) I made Matt have one of those conversations with me. I told him what I wanted, then he replied with, "I'm not going to die." Well, that's not true. I did weasle out of him that he wanted to be cremated. Then he told me that he wasn't going to to die. My best guess is that he'd want me to do what I needed to do to be truly content with my life.

While I appreciate the offer of books, I won't borrow them just yet. I've had a hard time keeping my concentration long enough to read anything, with just a very few exceptions. I'd borrow them, and then probably not read them as I got distracted with the pulp fantasy and horror novels that have managed to keep my attention. I have managed to put my name down for several temp agencies... I just need to keep my head up until something comes through.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

yay for pulp fantasy and horror...
just reread one of the Anita Blake novels, and also have recently reread a lot of SF/Fantasy.

You wanna come over for Brunch this sunday? I'd love to have you. A few nifty people seem to be planning to attend... you know?

[(Anonymous)]

E-mail me with the time/place. I'll be there.

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

By the way, that last anonymous post was me...