Not so strong sometimes...

[singerinthedark]

I broke down today. I didn't realize how much it might worry me that a friend might take up motorcycle riding. It wasn't too long ago that I felt like I should get a class M. license myself. But, when two friend both pranked LJ about learning to ride, well...

Let's say I couldn't tell you what we went over in my credential class today. Let' also say that, when I finally got it into my head that I should voice my concerns to one of these two friends, they told me it was an April Fool's joke.

I hung up on him. I was angry and hurt and needed to start breathing again.

It was a dumb reaction to a simple prank. Intellectually, I knew that a)if said person wanted to ride, I wasn't going to stop him, b)it wasn't intended to freak me out, and c)there was no reason that such a prank should freak me out. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I knew I was overreacting, but couldn't convince my brain to stop.

As I left campus, I started sobbing. I realized part of what was wrong: while I am prepared for my grandmother' death, I would be an utter wreck if one more of my good friends died suddenly. I don't want to be the last one standing. Instead of continuing to sob and potentially cause a wreck, I got a hold of myself and drove over to Dearbhail and ribbin's place for hugs and chamomile tea.

After hugs and during tea, ribbin brought up an interesting point, one that I've been mulling over most of this evening. He said, "when I heard you on the phone, I thought, 'She's not quite through with him yet." [That's paraphrased. Feel free to correct me.] He went on to mention how vehemently I've been saying that I'm over Matt. The unspoken inference was that I am denying too much - masking how I really feel.

The truth is no, I'm not completely over him. No matter how much I profess to be moving on and to have had closure, I still ache from his loss. That ache will always be there. Nothing will take away the trauma of watching my other half die. Nothing. I will always worry when friends talk about getting their class M license. I will always have a fear of late-night calls and the sickly-sweet smell of the injured in a hospital room. Heaven help the man who can keep me long enough to move in with me; it will take a long time for me to settle into being able to sleep restfully when he's away from my bed.

But, I am at a point where I feel I have enough room in my heart for someone new. Maybe not a relationship just yet, but there's room for love to grow. Dating is not something I have to do to prove to myself that I'm normal - it's something I want to do to make a little room for something new.

I can live with pain. That doesn't mean it won't get to me from time to time.

And please, no more motorcycle pranks for a while. Apparently I can't handle it.

Comments

[whalejudge.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I'd be surprised if you didn't have a bad reaction to motorcycles. More hugs.

[figsauce.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

It's totally understandable that this would call up the bad stuff for you. Maybe your recent mulling over dates also helped bring it to the surface, even. It doesn't make you "not so strong", as you claim in your title, by the way. It makes you very much human. Nothing wrong with that.

[barelyproper.livejournal.com]

soft hugs sweetie.

[ribbin.livejournal.com]

*hangs head* sorry, I totally should have called you to warn you on that. My bad. And I thought you were laughing on the phone, that's why I was so flippant.

Totally goofed that one. Take you to dinner next week?

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

I will hold you to that. ;)

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

*nods* You're not done grieving yet, it sounds like, which makes you a little volatile. That's all ok, and really to be expected. Just take the time you need, ok?

[elissali.livejournal.com]

yeah, I saw your comment and thought "uh-oh... she's taking him seriously on that. But the tone of her comment isn't really upset, so maybe it's okay..." I'm not at all surprised to find out that it really upset you. I'm sorry it all got dredged up that way. lots of *hugs*

Getting over people and moving on: a myth.

[loupyone.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this subject lately and I've come to the following conclusion: Getting over someone and moving on is a myth. The people in our lives that were important, the ones that changed who we are; we don't get over them. Just like we can't ever forget them, so can we not simply set aside what they meant to us and what they made of us. We cannot ever really move on.

What we can do is move forward.

I've lost people in my life, and as it gets longer I'll likely lose more. My father passed away when I was 15. I still think about him and wish he was here. I still wish I could have his counsel. I'll never get over him, but I have learned to move forward without him. My father's life and his death shaped part of who I am. It is impossible for me to move on from that, but I can move forward. In the end, I must.

"Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same." -Flavia Weedn

Re: Getting over people and moving on: a myth.

[loupyone.livejournal.com]

Of course, after I hit send I find the full quote....

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." -F.W.

Re: Getting over people and moving on: a myth.

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I like that quote.

hugs

[laviolinista.livejournal.com]

I don't know how well these two April Foolers knew you, but that spot is still sore and most of us know that. If they don't know you well, then you can decide whether it is worth warning them of that sore spot for you. If they know you well, then perhaps an apology is in order.

Conversely, the classical definition of a fool jester is about testing to see how far comedy can go. They found your limit, but they know they were pushing and they should know that they found it.

I still get jittery about motorcycles because of Matt. And I was just his friend and violin teacher. Our community also lost Celtic Rock fiddler Leigh Ann Hussey the same way shortly after. I admired her and wanted to get to know her better. Now all I can do is play her music. If a part of me is still grieving for both of them, then it must be even tougher for you.

I think it is poor form to talk about motorcycles or death with anyone who has lost someone this way. Just as it is poor form to talk casually about cancer with someone grieving from losing a loved one to cancer. Cancer survivors have complete license to be flippant as long as they are leading the light treatment--follow their lead and stop when they stop.

As we live our lives we will trespass in the course of living upon the sore points of each other's lives. We must be sensitive and try not to stomp mercilessly. We all like having edgy friends who say the unsayable. It is an attractive and dangerous quality. We are not weak for having a sore spot or two, we just need to be aware that in life sometimes it is important to be gentle. Or to remind those around us to be gentle.

Much love.

My own doh!

[laviolinista.livejournal.com]

Yesterday I accidentally trespassed on a soft spot my boss had. I handed MT breakfast.

I saw my boss walking into MT's office (where she also works) and told her that I got the file I needed and was leaving. I just wanted to give MT breakfast because breakfast is the most important meal of the day and it helps you get through the day and be very productive. Sounds corporate enough right?

She looked like she was going to burst into tears holding her breakfast--a latte.

I didn't understand what it was that I had said, but I read the non-verbals and ran out the door.

This is actually the third time she's seen me feed MT. 1st was a lunch with a heart shaped post it note with MT's name on it at a training she was leading. She said we were cute. 2nd was telling her that I had driven over to pick up MT at work with home cooked dinner and taken her to the wharf. She said wow. Third was yesterday morning.

She pulled MT aside later and asked that we stop. She asked that we keep it corporate. MT realized that it was really because the boss' partner does not take care of her. In fact they may be breaking up.

Ouch.

So for the next two weeks, MT and I will be work strangers not calling or appearing at each others offices and not being a couple publicly within the company. Not mentioning each others names. I encouraged them to hire MT. The boss had been mining my intelligence on the problems at MT's office. I emphasized MT's credentials. She hired her by asking me to coordinate logistics with MT. It's been a mixed bag.

Both of us are bound to be promoted, but we just have to be careful with the boss' feelings. The boss is trying to be brave and failing. We feel bad for her, but we also know we can be more public after the stress of 4/15 passes.

moral of the story

[laviolinista.livejournal.com]

even a big scary boss can burst into tears if I accidentally hit a soft spot too many times without being told to stop.

now I feel terrible, but now I know.

[oonafairie.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[trekster.livejournal.com]

::hugz::
sucks that some buttons we think are no longer extremely sensitive - and then they get tapped and we realize they're still just as sensitive as they used to be. :(


completely off topic...
i failed to realize I missed your bday earlier - i am ubersorry!
happy belated bday!!!
(is shamefaced to have missed it!)