Life's lessons

[singerinthedark]

Yesterday I found myself at the Holocaust memorial here in Miami. It's a two story tall sculpture of a hand with a serial number tattooed into it, and people crawling up the hand. To get near the sculpture, you walk through this passageway with the names of the concentration camps etched into the stone along the walls. As you walk down the passage, you can hear a children's choir singing in Hebrew. You cannot hear the music once you are more than a few steps away from the entrance, though. It is truly amazing and a moving memorial to those who died during the Holocaust.

As I went to leave, the security guard, Marlo, said to me, "Excuse me, What the heck are you doing here?" I was flabbergasted. It struck me that I didn't know whether he meant the memorial or Miami or just life. It turned out he hates Miami and recognized me as an out-of-towner. We talked for a long time about life, politics, and everything. However, over the last couple of days I couldn't get those words out of my head. What the heck AM I doing here?

It's funny how a simple question, just one simple question, can bring your brain to run a mile a minute and get you to question everything you have done up to this point. Why did I come to Miami? I'm running away from my empty room and my sad life. I have so much love and support, but that man I needed, my One, isn't there. And, for the last few days I've been able to pretend that everything is all right. Well it's not all right. It's not going to be all right. I'm never going to see his face again. That is not all right.

Despite the lack of stuff to do in the area I'm staying at, I don't want to go home yet. It's been a nice vacation from my life. As much as I can't wait to be home with all of my friends, I don't want to go home to my reality without Matt.

Comments

[barelyproper.livejournal.com]

Hugs and love.

Take a deep breath.

What you are doing there is letting yourself heal, away from some of the more painful reminders. You are giving yourself permission to just be Teryn... not Matt's widow. Take the time you need. Take the break you need.

Right now, in Miami, you are exploring you. You are taking care of you. As I type this, I am getting that familiar tingle we talked about. I may say it wrong, but listen to the message behind my words.

What you are feeling, what you are doing, is perfectly okay.

Give me a call when you are back in town. If you arent too jet lagged we can make a lemon cake whith chocolate icing.. or perhaps a pound cake.

Take care of you. Have Fun! Literally stop and smell the next roses you pass. Focus on life... on breathing... on feeling the exquisit bliss and pain that is every second. and remember to give yourself extra hugs.

I have rambled long enough, about a subject I can only imagine. Let this trip do for you what spring does for cherry trees.

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I needed to hear that. :)

I'll be back in Davis late tonight. I will be definately giving you a call tomorrow.