On Loneliness.

[singerinthedark]

So, I live in this room that still smells like him, feels like he still lives there, but lacks the person who made everything come to life. The other night, I broke down. I had just gotten some new pictures developed, ones of Matt and myself at Gaskell's Ball our first year together and some of my first backpacking trip ever, which Matt took me out on. I was so happy at first, but then, Saturday, I crashed. I looked at his face, the way he always tilted his head toward me in photographs, his skin... I miss him so much. I couldn't stand to be in the room anymore. The world is just so much duller without him in my life. I went home to my parent's for the night.

To top this all off, I feel like those in my inner circle are drifting away from me, or are falling apart. One good friend left today to move in with her boyfriend in Santa Rosa. A dear friend from my freshman year has been drifting away from Matt and I for the last three months or so. As I just found out on Saturday, the couple who was going to share the apartment with Matt and I just broke up not a week after Matt's memorial. I feel so lost. Not that I shouldn't have seen that coming. I read Tarot for myself that morning, and I was warned that Saturday would be a bad day for socialization - cards of loss, lonliness, and inner mystery (Luna - the moon - came up a couple of times). I just assumed that those cards were referring to Matt and myself. That dream I had not three days ago about the apartment potentially not working out... So to top everything off, I have to find new living arrangements for next year.

I have all of these friends, but I feel so lonely. With many of my friends drifting away, moving away, falling apart, dying, it's making me so confused. I feel like I should still think about staying in Davis for a year until I get my act together, but then, with all of these people drifting away, all of this death and change, I just wonder if this is the time for me to leave. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. So much is going on right now, energetically. It all comes back to, what the heck am I supposed to get from all of this, and what I am supposed to do with my life as a result? I know that things will be come clear in time, but that's no comfort to me now.

Comments

[internet-addict.livejournal.com]

Hi, satyrlovesong told me I should read your LJ, and she's right. There's a lot to learn from the wisdom being thrust upon you.

I don't know what strength is. I don't know how to measure the ways folks manage to hold themselves together when their lives are falling apart. I've never had to hit bottom, so far down that things can't get worse. But I've recently remembered that there's a flip side: things can always get better, too.

To be honest, you've just had to live through what's always been my worst fear. No one would blame you for collapsing into an incoherent pile. That's not what I see when I read your LJ. I see you fighting back, proclaiming that this will not break you, even though you may feel broken inside. I sincerely hope that you have people

I don't have advice for you, and even if I did, I'm not you, so it probably wouldn't be any good. I will say that I rejoice that you seem to be choosing to live. Just remember that grief is also a healthy part of life.

[satyrlovesong.livejournal.com]

Good morning beautiful.

No real advice here either, but I do have an observation. Life is change, with a goodly dose of chaos thrown in for good measure.

Recently, I have re-connected with a few people I was very close to ten years ago. You might think that we would have lost something in the intervening years, but the bonds are still there - strong and unbroken. I think that may be part of the ebb and flow of life.

Only you can make the right decisions for yourself, but please don't feel isolated. I'd feel honoured it you'd take a peek over at my lj and respond to my question vis a vis Picnic Day.

*hugs*

[vidihawk.livejournal.com]

Hey hun. Don't worry. I have an idea for what you can do next year.

Sometimes Fate comes along and says, "Get ready, Steve's gonna kidnap you." And sometimes Fate says, "I like pie." That's something Fate and I have had trouble with for a while. Y'know... sometimes the fillings are ok, but when Fate gets a pie, it always has that crumbly, nasty crust that makes me nauseous.

Now where was I? Oh yes, me kidnapping you. Y'see, when Fate says, "Steve's gonna kidnap you." It means get your shit packed. No, silly, not in the way that I get my shit packed.

Now.. I keep getting distracted... Oh yeah. Well, since you have no place to live next year, I'll just have to make sure I have a place to put you next year. :-D And don't you worry. I will.

Besides, you're young yet to be trying to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. Get your feet under you. It's the best thing I ever did with my life.

[battymaiden.livejournal.com]

*Laughs* Actually, now that my head is a little clearer, I've decided to go ahead and put a deposit down on the apartment. A few people I know are looking for housing or have friends that are looking for housing next year. It's easier to find roommates than apartments in Davis.

This is not an avoidance of you, mind you, but, when my head isn't clouded by grief (that is, the 2 - 3% of the time I'm feeling lucid) I know that I need to be here where the majority of my support group is.