Not so strong sometimes...

I broke down today. I didn't realize how much it might worry me that a friend might take up motorcycle riding. It wasn't too long ago that I felt like I should get a class M. license myself. But, when two friend both pranked LJ about learning to ride, well...

Let's say I couldn't tell you what we went over in my credential class today. Let' also say that, when I finally got it into my head that I should voice my concerns to one of these two friends, they told me it was an April Fool's joke.

I hung up on him. I was angry and hurt and needed to start breathing again.

It was a dumb reaction to a simple prank. Intellectually, I knew that a)if said person wanted to ride, I wasn't going to stop him, b)it wasn't intended to freak me out, and c)there was no reason that such a prank should freak me out. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I knew I was overreacting, but couldn't convince my brain to stop.

As I left campus, I started sobbing. I realized part of what was wrong: while I am prepared for my grandmother' death, I would be an utter wreck if one more of my good friends died suddenly. I don't want to be the last one standing. Instead of continuing to sob and potentially cause a wreck, I got a hold of myself and drove over to Dearbhail and ribbin's place for hugs and chamomile tea.

After hugs and during tea, ribbin brought up an interesting point, one that I've been mulling over most of this evening. He said, "when I heard you on the phone, I thought, 'She's not quite through with him yet." [That's paraphrased. Feel free to correct me.] He went on to mention how vehemently I've been saying that I'm over Matt. The unspoken inference was that I am denying too much - masking how I really feel.

The truth is no, I'm not completely over him. No matter how much I profess to be moving on and to have had closure, I still ache from his loss. That ache will always be there. Nothing will take away the trauma of watching my other half die. Nothing. I will always worry when friends talk about getting their class M license. I will always have a fear of late-night calls and the sickly-sweet smell of the injured in a hospital room. Heaven help the man who can keep me long enough to move in with me; it will take a long time for me to settle into being able to sleep restfully when he's away from my bed.

But, I am at a point where I feel I have enough room in my heart for someone new. Maybe not a relationship just yet, but there's room for love to grow. Dating is not something I have to do to prove to myself that I'm normal - it's something I want to do to make a little room for something new.

I can live with pain. That doesn't mean it won't get to me from time to time.

And please, no more motorcycle pranks for a while. Apparently I can't handle it.