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On Loneliness.
Apr. 3rd, 2005 11:53 pmSo, I live in this room that still smells like him, feels like he still lives there, but lacks the person who made everything come to life. The other night, I broke down. I had just gotten some new pictures developed, ones of Matt and myself at Gaskell's Ball our first year together and some of my first backpacking trip ever, which Matt took me out on. I was so happy at first, but then, Saturday, I crashed. I looked at his face, the way he always tilted his head toward me in photographs, his skin... I miss him so much. I couldn't stand to be in the room anymore. The world is just so much duller without him in my life. I went home to my parent's for the night.
To top this all off, I feel like those in my inner circle are drifting away from me, or are falling apart. One good friend left today to move in with her boyfriend in Santa Rosa. A dear friend from my freshman year has been drifting away from Matt and I for the last three months or so. As I just found out on Saturday, the couple who was going to share the apartment with Matt and I just broke up not a week after Matt's memorial. I feel so lost. Not that I shouldn't have seen that coming. I read Tarot for myself that morning, and I was warned that Saturday would be a bad day for socialization - cards of loss, lonliness, and inner mystery (Luna - the moon - came up a couple of times). I just assumed that those cards were referring to Matt and myself. That dream I had not three days ago about the apartment potentially not working out... So to top everything off, I have to find new living arrangements for next year.
I have all of these friends, but I feel so lonely. With many of my friends drifting away, moving away, falling apart, dying, it's making me so confused. I feel like I should still think about staying in Davis for a year until I get my act together, but then, with all of these people drifting away, all of this death and change, I just wonder if this is the time for me to leave. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. So much is going on right now, energetically. It all comes back to, what the heck am I supposed to get from all of this, and what I am supposed to do with my life as a result? I know that things will be come clear in time, but that's no comfort to me now.
To top this all off, I feel like those in my inner circle are drifting away from me, or are falling apart. One good friend left today to move in with her boyfriend in Santa Rosa. A dear friend from my freshman year has been drifting away from Matt and I for the last three months or so. As I just found out on Saturday, the couple who was going to share the apartment with Matt and I just broke up not a week after Matt's memorial. I feel so lost. Not that I shouldn't have seen that coming. I read Tarot for myself that morning, and I was warned that Saturday would be a bad day for socialization - cards of loss, lonliness, and inner mystery (Luna - the moon - came up a couple of times). I just assumed that those cards were referring to Matt and myself. That dream I had not three days ago about the apartment potentially not working out... So to top everything off, I have to find new living arrangements for next year.
I have all of these friends, but I feel so lonely. With many of my friends drifting away, moving away, falling apart, dying, it's making me so confused. I feel like I should still think about staying in Davis for a year until I get my act together, but then, with all of these people drifting away, all of this death and change, I just wonder if this is the time for me to leave. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. So much is going on right now, energetically. It all comes back to, what the heck am I supposed to get from all of this, and what I am supposed to do with my life as a result? I know that things will be come clear in time, but that's no comfort to me now.
