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Mar. 23rd, 2005 03:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
singerinthedarkWell, finals are over. Somehow I managed to finish my last final on 1 1/2 hours of sleep, and probably ace it. (Whew!) I also kept falling asleep during the final, but that's a story for another day.
It's been hard to get up in the morning. I had every intention of going to work today (because I had nothing better to do), and I just didn't get up until 11. Well, I was awake before then, but I just didn't want to get up. I've had a hard time sleeping lately. It didn't take me very long to get used to sleeping next to Matt once we moved in together. I have a feeling it's going to take me a really long time to get used to sleeping alone. I, well, I can't believe I'm going to say this... I miss having Matt's pokey elbow in my back. It's really funny, but it's not funny at the same time. I have gotten the worst backache and neckache this week. I'm so squirmy when I sleep, having Matt next to me helped me to be slightly less so (less room). Moreover, even when I'd have to fling myself out of bed in the morning to shut off the alarm, it was just that much easier because I knew that he was there with me, that I could come home to him, and get a hug when he wasn't half asleep and grumpy.
Right now, I miss all of the little things. I knew every inch of Matt's body, every personality quirk, how to deal with him when he was stressed, what kind of hug to give him and when...
And yet, I'm not crying as much. Every time I start to feel sad, or like I'm going to really breakdown, I get this memory or thought that makes me laugh, or reminds me how lucky I am to have had Matthew in my life. I have to smile when that happens. For example, I was doing laundry the other day. I was folding some of Matt clothes and generally feeling sorry for myself when I realized that he had gotten into the accident only two or three days after we had last done laundry. A thought popped into my head: At least he was courteous enough not to leave me with two week's worth of his laundry. I found that all at once kind of touching (I didn't get stuck with cleaning up too many messes he left behind) and really funny.
I'm not looking forward to Saturday. I love Matt's family, but I'd rather be at my friend's wedding. I would much rather be celebrating life than burying my finacee. I'm not sure I want to see his grave. At the same time, I have to. It's the way that I had to be there when he died, and I had to see the accident footage on the news. I need to let the full reality of this set in on me. I need to feel this. There's a big part of me that wants to think that Matt is just off on a vacation or a conference without me, and that he'll be back soon.
I mean, the longest Matt and I have ever been apart in the last four years is about 2 1/2 weeks. That's it. We just both needed to be around each other. There was always room for one of us or the other of us to do things without the other, but we always came home to each other with stories and tales of our adventures in the world. And that made any time we spent apart o-kay. It's just really starting to hit me that, after all that dreaming about the two of us going to work in South America, me doing research, and Matt telecommuting via satellite, it's never going to happen for us. I am never going to get to marry Matt...
I was talking with some friends last night about childbirth and guys being weenies when it came to being around the birthing process. I started thinking about how, I was really looking forward to having kids with him someday, either biological or adopted. And it really made me sad to think that, I'm never going to get to have that experience with him. Matt would have been such a great dad. We would have made such great parents together...
I'm not going to dwell on what could have been today. It really hurts too much to think about for any length of time.
I'm off to go do something with myself. Otherwise I'm going to sit here in the computer lab and start crying. (I'd rather cry at home... I have cats and people there to comfort me.)
It's been hard to get up in the morning. I had every intention of going to work today (because I had nothing better to do), and I just didn't get up until 11. Well, I was awake before then, but I just didn't want to get up. I've had a hard time sleeping lately. It didn't take me very long to get used to sleeping next to Matt once we moved in together. I have a feeling it's going to take me a really long time to get used to sleeping alone. I, well, I can't believe I'm going to say this... I miss having Matt's pokey elbow in my back. It's really funny, but it's not funny at the same time. I have gotten the worst backache and neckache this week. I'm so squirmy when I sleep, having Matt next to me helped me to be slightly less so (less room). Moreover, even when I'd have to fling myself out of bed in the morning to shut off the alarm, it was just that much easier because I knew that he was there with me, that I could come home to him, and get a hug when he wasn't half asleep and grumpy.
Right now, I miss all of the little things. I knew every inch of Matt's body, every personality quirk, how to deal with him when he was stressed, what kind of hug to give him and when...
And yet, I'm not crying as much. Every time I start to feel sad, or like I'm going to really breakdown, I get this memory or thought that makes me laugh, or reminds me how lucky I am to have had Matthew in my life. I have to smile when that happens. For example, I was doing laundry the other day. I was folding some of Matt clothes and generally feeling sorry for myself when I realized that he had gotten into the accident only two or three days after we had last done laundry. A thought popped into my head: At least he was courteous enough not to leave me with two week's worth of his laundry. I found that all at once kind of touching (I didn't get stuck with cleaning up too many messes he left behind) and really funny.
I'm not looking forward to Saturday. I love Matt's family, but I'd rather be at my friend's wedding. I would much rather be celebrating life than burying my finacee. I'm not sure I want to see his grave. At the same time, I have to. It's the way that I had to be there when he died, and I had to see the accident footage on the news. I need to let the full reality of this set in on me. I need to feel this. There's a big part of me that wants to think that Matt is just off on a vacation or a conference without me, and that he'll be back soon.
I mean, the longest Matt and I have ever been apart in the last four years is about 2 1/2 weeks. That's it. We just both needed to be around each other. There was always room for one of us or the other of us to do things without the other, but we always came home to each other with stories and tales of our adventures in the world. And that made any time we spent apart o-kay. It's just really starting to hit me that, after all that dreaming about the two of us going to work in South America, me doing research, and Matt telecommuting via satellite, it's never going to happen for us. I am never going to get to marry Matt...
I was talking with some friends last night about childbirth and guys being weenies when it came to being around the birthing process. I started thinking about how, I was really looking forward to having kids with him someday, either biological or adopted. And it really made me sad to think that, I'm never going to get to have that experience with him. Matt would have been such a great dad. We would have made such great parents together...
I'm not going to dwell on what could have been today. It really hurts too much to think about for any length of time.
I'm off to go do something with myself. Otherwise I'm going to sit here in the computer lab and start crying. (I'd rather cry at home... I have cats and people there to comfort me.)
