singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
Yesterday I found myself at the Holocaust memorial here in Miami. It's a two story tall sculpture of a hand with a serial number tattooed into it, and people crawling up the hand. To get near the sculpture, you walk through this passageway with the names of the concentration camps etched into the stone along the walls. As you walk down the passage, you can hear a children's choir singing in Hebrew. You cannot hear the music once you are more than a few steps away from the entrance, though. It is truly amazing and a moving memorial to those who died during the Holocaust.

As I went to leave, the security guard, Marlo, said to me, "Excuse me, What the heck are you doing here?" I was flabbergasted. It struck me that I didn't know whether he meant the memorial or Miami or just life. It turned out he hates Miami and recognized me as an out-of-towner. We talked for a long time about life, politics, and everything. However, over the last couple of days I couldn't get those words out of my head. What the heck AM I doing here?

It's funny how a simple question, just one simple question, can bring your brain to run a mile a minute and get you to question everything you have done up to this point. Why did I come to Miami? I'm running away from my empty room and my sad life. I have so much love and support, but that man I needed, my One, isn't there. And, for the last few days I've been able to pretend that everything is all right. Well it's not all right. It's not going to be all right. I'm never going to see his face again. That is not all right.

Despite the lack of stuff to do in the area I'm staying at, I don't want to go home yet. It's been a nice vacation from my life. As much as I can't wait to be home with all of my friends, I don't want to go home to my reality without Matt.
I wrote this Friday night (April 22nd) after a brief walk home. I didn't put it up until today because I wanted to give it a couple of days to see if anyone would respond to my last entry. I recieved two really wonderful and helpful responses - one on the last entry's message board and one by e-mail. They both helped a bit, and I am grateful to be around so many caring, reassuring people.

A brief moment of clarity )
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
I've been thinking a lot lately about soul-mates. Here I am, 23 years old, and I have already found and lost my soul-mate. Most people spend their entire lives looking that other person. I am 23 years old and I have already had the love of my life - and it's over. I know that I'm really too young to say that, but Matt made me believe in fate and love at first sight. He taught me that there is a deeper knowledge that you can have of other people that goes beyond consciousness, beyond this life.

At the heart of the matter is this: People do find their soul-mate. However, outside of the occasional tragic novel, you rarely hear the stories of people who lose their soul-mate, and how they cope with such a huge loss. Moreover, the stories you do hear are all about people who lose their soul-mate much later in life. I am afraid that Matt's loss means that I have to cram all of life in now because I have reached the latter half of my life. Honestly, I know this is probably not true. I just hurt so much right now that it's hard to envision having a long, fulfilling life without Matthew. (And before those of you who know me worry too much, I start grief counceling on Monday.)

So now I ask this of anyone who stumbles across this entry who just might be able to answer this question - How do you move on when you lose someone so close it feels like a part of you died? I mean, is there life after losing a soul-mate?

I guess the hardest part of all of this is that, no matter how much I want it to sometimes, the world does not stop just because I lost Matt. I keep telling myself to breathe, to take it one moment at a time, but I could really use some reassurance right now. I need to know that there's something for me out there.
Just a thought for today:

When love comes quickly, unabashedly, and without strings, give yourself to it. When you are sure that you have found someone you knew before you met him or her, give in. True love is worth the pain it causes when lost. For all the stings and aches I now deal with, for every tear I cry, for every day that I will miss Matthew, there are a hundred thousand little moments in which I find myself overpowered with gratitude and joy for having had him in my life. I will fear neither death, nor love, nor life because I met that one person in the over two billion on this planet who was THE ONE.

This is what keeps me going from day to day. This one thing is what keeps me alive inside. And though I know the love I experienced is going to make it hurt more and more for a time, I also know that the love I experienced is also what will heal the wounds Matt's death had caused me.

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singerinthedark

August 2010

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