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I am posting this in the hope that someone will find this - if anything remains of our society long after these events have passed. Perhaps someone will find them. Perhaps this whole thing will blow over. Perhaps... but I'm not so certain of anything anymore.

Everything was fine until after I got home from work. I had taught an unusually small class for summer school at the charter school I work at, but I thought nothing of it.

As I was eating lunch and had just finished posting a response to my horoscope on livejournal, I got a call from my Mom. She was panicked. I could hear gun fire in the background. She told me to stay in my house, lock my doors, and wait there until she, my father, and my siblings could get to me. I asked her what was going on, and she told me just to sit tight, and that she had to go. It was then that I noticed how quiet it was on the island.

Alameda is right under the flight path for the Oakland airport. Even during the witching hour, that magic time when even nocturnal animals are at rest, there is always some noise or another: the hum of machinery near the docks, the passing of an occasional car, the rustle of a light breeze. As I hung up the phone with my Mom, I noticed that Alameda was silent. Dead silent. The only sounds I could hear were the hum of my refrigerator and the whisper of my own breathing. I could feel the electricity in the air, and that heavy, foreboding feeling that proceeds disaster. I pulled out a black candle, lit it, and prayed that my friends and chosen family were doing o-kay.

A sharp knock on the door startled me out of my devotions. I grabbed my engagement ring and slid it on as I walked toward the door of my apartment. I peeked through the peep-hole in my door. It was my older next door neighbor. He was making sure I was all right and wanted to know if I'd seen the news. He was clutching a rolling-pin - possibly the only heavy object in his apartment. We both jumped as Jen, who used to be a coworker of mine, charged up the stairs calling, "Have you seen the news?!?"

Not too much later, the clustered residents of my apartment building sat in silent awe at the images that flooded the television in Jen's apartment. Riots in Los Angeles so violent it was hard to tell who was a zombie and who was just looting. A reporter and crew on the streets in Colma overwhelmed by decaying, shambling bodies. The cameras ran red with blood and we could hear their screams before ABC could cut away. Oh God! We could hear their screams and the wet sounds of tearing flesh. The newscasters sat in stunned silence, tears streaming down their faces, unable to continue their coverage. On CNN the reports were much the same - all over the world there was carnage and violence as the dead appeared to crawl out of their graves and attack the living. In Iraq the insurgents and the allied forces had called an unofficial truce to try and stave off the undead attacks. One pundit commented that this was God's wrath on the world for not following His laws. Maybe that's true, and if it is, God is an asshole. Armageddon. The newscasters, pundits, people being interviewed on the street, they all kept mentioning Armageddon. I honestly don't remember the Bible saying anything about zombies... No, nothing about zombies, although plenty about raising the righteous to live with God in heaven. I sincerely doubt this is what the author of Revelations meant.

We must have watched the images for an hour, too horrified to look away. I called [livejournal.com profile] ribbin, [livejournal.com profile] joshua_summit, and dearbhail, hoping to find out if they are still alive. I was sent directly to voice mail every time. Strangely, there was nothing about violence in Alameda, though we could hear the distant sirens of emergency crews in Oakland. It occurred to me that there were no cemeteries on the island, just the morgue and a hospital six blocks from our home...

That is when the emergency sirens went off.
I couldn't help it. This was just too cool to avoid playing with it. I started out as a snow-leopard named Araphon. Let's see where this goes...

singerinthedark: (Sleepy Me)
Brezney managed to sum up my mood this last two weeks:

Aries

Here you come dragging your exhausted but redeemed ass out of the deep dark forest of symbols. The red-eyed monkey demons fall off your back as you straggle toward the light. Your sunken eyes see wonders they were blind to before your ordeal. Your heart rages with a wild angelic love you've never tapped into before. And as you realize the magnitude of your tough miracle, you feel glimmers of gratitude for the rude tests you had to endure. Maybe you should get totally lost in limbo more often..

I mean, I'm still not convinced I'll ever be completely grateful for all the tests I've been put through, but it is awfully nice being out of the dark.

Two years and I'm still here.

Guess I'm sticking around, then.

(Get yours here.)

Growth

Sep. 18th, 2006 04:38 pm
singerinthedark: (Me Looking In)
I've been thinking a lot about this journal. When I first started this journal, it was a place to put down what I was going through when Matt died. From the sincere to the over-dramatic, I wanted there to be a record SOMEWHERE of what it's like to lose your soulmate. While grief is a personal and uncomfortably intimiate malady, I thought that putting my thoughts out there might be of some comfort if someday someone stumbled on my journal. They are not alone.

As life has progressed, this journal became a place where I had an opportunity to get to know some of the dear people I've always considered friends. I've come to realize that, though these people were always friends, I was sleepwalking through our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be Matt's girlfriend, that I forgot to be the Battymaiden. I forgot that I had a life outside of my late fiancé. I had begun to realize this before Matt died, but getting to really know my friends brought this issue into Technocolor brilliance.

I have become the individual I have always tried to be. I'm no longer Matt's girl. I'm no one's girl, and as much I may whine about wanting love, I like being single. I am the Batty Maiden.

And still, I feel unsettled.

This journal has begun to replace my personal, handwritten journal. I find myself posting things just to have some input on my life, regardless of the relevance or importance of what I'm posting. My entries are filled with quantity, but many aren't at all quality. This simply will not do. I don't want to continue in the fantasy that the world revolves around me. It's not healthy. And while I still want to use the medium of Live Journal to keep my friends informed on what's really going on in my life, there are things that I don't need to post to the world.

At this point, I'll bet those of you who've been reading since the start are wondering, "What prompted this?" I had an article passed to me from the New York Times. It talks about how potential employers are Googling their clients as part of a background check. Now, I have a general rule about posting things online: If I don't want it coming back to haunt me or to be mutilated by some random person who stumbles on it while surfing the web, it doesn't get posted. That being said, I've still put some personal posts online.

Starting this week, I will be going back and making many of my posts friends-only. I have updated my friends list to include pretty much everyone who's friended me, as I know, or have at least met, most of them personally. I will be leaving this post and my posts on grieving public because I started this journal to put that story out there. Beyond that, I'll decide what stays public on a case by case basis. I have nothing to hide. At the same time, I don't necessarily want my life to become watercooler chat once I get a job.

In the future, I will probably keep placing the occasional update on Live Journal, but I'd really like to use this medium as I originally intended it; for growth and reflection. So anything that is posted is likely to have a more philosophical slant.

In case you were wondering, googling my name (my real name) doesn't bring up anything I'm ashamed of, nor does googling my journal name. I've pretty much kept to my own rules when posting online. ;)
singerinthedark: (Me Looking In)
Surprizingly accurate. I've always related most to Dionysus out of the gods of mythology, both for his lust for life and her madness.

Cut to save your friends page )

Musicgasm

Aug. 21st, 2006 03:58 am
I was afraid going into the concert that I had hyped up my expectations too much. The original frontman died in 2002, and William Duvall, whom I have never heard of, was fronting the band for the evening.

My fears were unfounded.

The concert was bone-shaking, visceral rock n' roll. The night was filled with power chords so grungy you felt you needed a shower as they washed over you and through you. The vocals were dead-on, not an impersonation of Layne, the original lead vocalist, but something both old and new and genuine. You could see that they were, indeed, playing for the sheer joy of playing together. Never has any concert affected me the way this one did. For one evening, I let go of inhibitions and let myself loose on the world. My eyes welled up with tears, I danced, I banged my head against the wall of sound as it crashed into me, and it was like Grace.

The concert was far too short. I wanted more. And if I can swing it, I'm going to go see them again when they come through S.F. in November. Alice in Chains is back, and they are one hell of a show. If you at all like the band, I wouldn't miss them in concert.

Thank you [livejournal.com profile] barelyproper for sharing tonight with me.

A game

Aug. 19th, 2006 10:46 pm
There's this meme that is running around where you post six random facts about yourself and then tag other people to do the same. This is fun and all, but I'm tired of talking about myself. There's a bunch of stuff I don't know about you people and I would like to know more.

Sooo.... In the interest of learning more about the people I care about, I tag you all. Tell me one random fact about yourself that you haven't posted elsewhere.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
I put this in its own entry because she deserves to not get lost amongst the chatter.

Last night I went to [livejournal.com profile] moondanceminx's going away party. It was a an amazingly good time, with both Irish and English Country Dances, musicians, and general merriment. As usual, [livejournal.com profile] moondanceminx was a beacon of light and joy, and I am so happy that she is getting to go on this adventure. However, I am sad, and I am going to miss her. She is an amazing person, and I hope she realizes how much I appreciate her.

[livejournal.com profile] moondanceminx, may you have the best of adventures. I'm going to miss having you around.

*Squee!!*

Aug. 18th, 2006 07:13 pm
Yesterday I found out that I won tickets to see Alice in Chains and attend the final at Boardstock XI from KWOD 106.5. It's this Sunday at Konocti Harbor & Resort.

I am so excited. (Poor [livejournal.com profile] ribbin and G. had to put up with me yesterday saying exactly that every 5 to 15 minutes or so on the ride to [livejournal.com profile] moondanceminx's going away party.)

To explain: Alice in Chain's Jar of Flies album was among the first CD's I ever bought. I remember finding it in a used CD store over in Hollywood when my family lived in SoCal. I was so excited to find it, but when I listened to the album, I fell in love. Jar of Flies was one of the albums that really carried me through the tough times in gradeschool.

Let me put it this way: I almost cried when I found out I won.

I'm dragging [livejournal.com profile] barelyproper with me. I am so excited.

*bounce*

A meme

Aug. 15th, 2006 04:31 pm
singerinthedark: (Me Looking In)
With thanks to [livejournal.com profile] tsgeisel

As seen elsewhere, go to this page, and pick 5 quotes from the random ones listed that mean something to you, in some form or another. Re-load as necessary.

Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance. - M. C. Richards

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. - Mark Twain

What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers. - Martina Horner

There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures. - James Thurber

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West

A meme...

Aug. 10th, 2006 02:06 pm
I'm just going to answer this one. Thanks Barelyproper!

Songs that start with K:

Kill Rock and Roll - System of a Down
Knock me Out - Linda Perry
Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dyllan
Kooks - David Bowie
Killing Me Softly With His Song - Roberta Flack
Kalifornication - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Their misspelling, not mine)
Karma Chameleon - Culture Club
Khasmir - Led Zeppelin
King of Pain - The Police
Kung Fu Fighting - Carl Douglass

I'll admit, I had to look up some of the orignal artists online.
I feel like I've seen Borges' Aleph. I'm having a moment of mental clarity that is like a cool autumn night. I feel very present.

And for the first time in over a year, I feel truly, deeply grateful to be here on this sacred planet I call home.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like a shining light in the world.

It's damn shame when I don't let myself recognize that.

But for now, for however long this lasts, I feel complete.

I wish I could give this to you - this feeling of complete calm and centeredness. It is akin to that place between sleeping and waking, where the pattern is clear.

I like this state of being. I think I'll keep it.
Even after over a year of a lack of exposure to Matt's computer techiness, I still score:


My computer geek score is greater than 58% of all people in the world! How do you compare? Click here to find out!


I'm only two percentile points away from being a low-grade computer geek.

I also score 39% on the geek test. (Let's put it this way, the only person I know who scored above 45% was Matt. He got 75%.)
You have been warned.
I used my external hard drive and winamp... This should be interesting.

Musical 8-ball meme:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press next track for each question.
3. Use the song titles to answer the questions, even if it doesn't make sense.
NO CHEATING!

Cut for the uninterested )
But the post will have to wait until after swimming and game tonight, as I am currently working on a draft (finally) of a cover letter.

Until then, here are a couple of clips from "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends." I don't know why, but they remind me of some of my friends... (For maximum enjoyment, watch the first one first)

Hot in Topeka

Eyebrow Pencil
01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Do/Did you have a crush on me?
05. Would you kiss me?
06. Describe me in one word.
07. What was your first impression?
08. Do you still think that way about me now?
09. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

Edited May 8, 6:41 a.m.: Fixed the heading to say "one" where once there was "two."
I like this particular meme. I think I'm going to share the love:

Respond to this post and...

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3: I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

Edit 11:43 p.m. Tuesday, April 25: I got to some of you guys, but not all. I'll try to get to the rest of you in bits and pieces over the week. I'm trying to find appropriate and meaningful quotes for each of you. I am also running short on sleep. On that note - *snore*
It's late, but I can't sleep. I stayed up waaayyy too late last night with [livejournal.com profile] emilia_romagna and [livejournal.com profile] barelyproper watching costume dramas and eating popcorn. Moreover, I had four cups of tea at Hare House for the lovely Ms. [livejournal.com profile] moondanceminx's unbirthday party. While I don't think that any of the brands that were put out were heavily caffeinated - I only feel a little tired. So, eight hours of sleep (5 am - 1pm) + daylight savings time + caffeine = A very awake and very batty maiden. I am almost tempted to just stay up all night to fix my sleep schedule.

Almost.

The last few weeks have been most rewarding, from the beautiful Winter(spring?) Wonderland that was Calaveras Celtic Faire, to a lovely weekend of hanging out with Hazel, to the sheer joy of non-stop hanging out with friends this weekend. A couple of good girl friends from the co-op came into town, and we went out to dinner. The visit was wayy to short, but I also wanted to put in an appearance at [livejournal.com profile] moondanceminx's party.

Which, if you skip a few of the rails along my train of thought, leads to me to self-assessment time. I'm doing it early this year, as I doubt I'll get a chance before my birthday comes and goes.

Things can be a mixed blessing, and this last year has been one of the craziest mixed blessings. On the one hand - I lost Matt, some sanity, and have never been so uncertain about where I want to be in the world, let alone where I stand. On the other hand, the whole experience of grief and mourning has caused me to take a good hard look at who I am as a singular person.

Let's pause here and interject with some side stuff that will help me explain the bigger picture.

I have always been the weird kid. I was (and can be) a crybaby. I have almost always been overweight, and was teased and picked on badly enough in fifth and sixth grade that I changed schools to get away from the emotional bullying. I had one golden year in 7th grade, and then my family moved up to Northern California, where I, again, became the weird kid for eighth and part of ninth grade, until I discovered Drama and Chorus. I had a small handful of good friends throughout my school years, but I never had that huge group of friends. You know, that circle of five or six people that hang out together all the time and go on adventures and stuff...

This is not to say that I wanted to be popular. I did, however, want to belong. There were very few places I felt like I completely belonged. I didn't even feel completely accepted in my Drama and Chorus groups.

I never opened up to people. I'm still not very good at it sometimes.

I never was really able to find my self-worth. It was always contingent on something - lose a little weight, get a leading role as a romantic lead, find a boyfriend, something, anything. I'm sure most of you know how well that works, which is to say, it doesn't. I was always looking for approval from someone else, never from myself... Not even after I met, fell in love with, and lived with Matt did I ever fully love myself. (Well, that's not entirely true. Matt was instrumental in helping me battle more than a few of my demons, but those are stories for another day.)

After Matt died, and all those people came to his funeral, I thought that, were I to die the next day, not many people would show up to mine. I thought I didn't have many friends of my own. Yeah, I was that bad...

The last year has been a clue-by-four to the head. I am loved. I am worthy. I am - ack! - popular. (I said the P-word.... EEEK!) Many of the connections I have were made through Matt, but they are MY connections. I mean, I really hadn't realized how long ago I stopped being thought of as "Matt's girlfriend" to many of you who met me through Matt... I have this enormous, wonderful chosen family of amazing people who have chosen to make me a part of THEIR chosen family...

Words are truly a poor medium to express what I really feel about all of this - a better medium might be paint or an instrumental piece of music. There just aren't any words to describe this.

I can't say I'm glad that Matt died. These are all things I was beginning to realize prior to the accident. However, losing Matt has forced me out of the hidey-hole I was in prior to his death, which, in turn, has forced me to realized how large of a support structure I have. (Which, in turn, forced me to talk to my friends who have subsequently forced me to look at myself and see that I am a worthwhile human being.)

I am still afraid of falling (literally). I am still a bit of a control-freak. I can still be a flake. I can definitely still be a weenie when it comes to physical pain and bugs flying at my head. Yet I've been given the most amazing gift of all - my self-worth. I am a much bigger person than I was two years ago. I am no longer afraid to ask for help when I need it. I do not fear crisis because I have this amazing group of people to run to when life gets crazy. I do not fear boredom because there is always someone around with a crazy plan for creating amusement... (Oh, if only there were enough popsicle sticks - collectively we could take over the world.) I am not alone. I am not out of the loop. I am worthy. I belong.

Thank you.


There's a lot more to say, but I'm trying to say it to each of you individually as I find words for what I mean.

I think I may need to learn a few more languages before I am able to say it all... ;)
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