First entry: Scattered thoughts
Mar. 14th, 2005 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
singerinthedarkSo, live journal was always one of those things that was funny, you know... Something you never thought you would get involved in. So, I guess I'm funny now. ;)
Monday morning I held my fiancee's hand as he died. Monday morning every plan, every idea, every notion I had turned out to be dead and false. Monday morning I lost my best friend, my love, and my soul-mate.
Matt was the first person I had met that I could be comfortable enough to hug and sit under a blanket with within just a few brief hours of knowing each other. I mean, I never believed in love at first sight. I always thought that love was something you work at. We did, but I loved Matt from the first moment I knew him.
The last few days have been a blur. I've been really manic. One minute I'll be fine, the next, I find Matt's rubik's cube and start sobbing all over again. I keep waiting for him to come jingling into our room, to climb up into our bed, to pounce me from behind the closet door.
The thing is, Matt and I promised each other that one of us wouldn't die without the other one. Mind you, it wasn't like he had a choice. You just get into that mode of thinking. See, I had planned to go with Matt to game that evening - the very game he was returning from when he ran into that accident. I decided not to because I thought it was silly to go and then not attend again for a month.
I keep telling myself that if I'm still here there's a reason. That I have to be strong for everyone else. That there is something that I have to do here...
Every morning since Matt died, I wake up and tell myself that it is a beautiful day, and that I shouldn't waste it. I tell myself that Matt wouldn't waste it crying or worrying about the future (too much, though Matt always had a backup plan). I tell myself to take it one day at a time. Well, it hasn't worked perfectly, but it's helped. I'm finishing my classes and graduating this quarter. (It's finals week - blech!)
I just don't know what I want out of life now that he's not here. I'm not really sure where to go or what to do. I tried listening to my heart, but it's broken. My five year plan was Our five year plan. I was going to work while Matt finished his Ph.D. and got his teaching credential, and then I was going to go to graduate school to get my doctorate.
I am trying to define my life in short-term goals right now. I have to graduate. That comes first. The rest will follow.
See, Matt and I were engaged - have been since he moved in with me two years ago. I was really nervous about us living together without being married, and what my family was going to say about it. He suggested that we just go get married. I told him that I didn't want to get married or be publicly engaged until after I finished school, as it would be a huge distraction. (More so than living together - long story, but trust me.) I also told him that I wanted him to make a big deal out of it and ask me again when it was right for us to be "official." I found out last Wednesday that he had ordered a ring for me - the design is his. He was just waiting for me to finish... I'm pretty sure, with the timing of when it'll be finished, that Matt was going to ask me either on my birthday, or our anniversary, both of which are coming up.
Am I wrong to feel cheated? I have had more love and adventure in four years with Matt than many people have in 50 years of marriage. I feel like I've known him for a lifetime. So why should I feel so cheated?
It hurts so much. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that some day I am granted the wisdom to know why this happened, or what lesson I am supposed to take from this. But for now, it just hurts.
Monday morning I held my fiancee's hand as he died. Monday morning every plan, every idea, every notion I had turned out to be dead and false. Monday morning I lost my best friend, my love, and my soul-mate.
Matt was the first person I had met that I could be comfortable enough to hug and sit under a blanket with within just a few brief hours of knowing each other. I mean, I never believed in love at first sight. I always thought that love was something you work at. We did, but I loved Matt from the first moment I knew him.
The last few days have been a blur. I've been really manic. One minute I'll be fine, the next, I find Matt's rubik's cube and start sobbing all over again. I keep waiting for him to come jingling into our room, to climb up into our bed, to pounce me from behind the closet door.
The thing is, Matt and I promised each other that one of us wouldn't die without the other one. Mind you, it wasn't like he had a choice. You just get into that mode of thinking. See, I had planned to go with Matt to game that evening - the very game he was returning from when he ran into that accident. I decided not to because I thought it was silly to go and then not attend again for a month.
I keep telling myself that if I'm still here there's a reason. That I have to be strong for everyone else. That there is something that I have to do here...
Every morning since Matt died, I wake up and tell myself that it is a beautiful day, and that I shouldn't waste it. I tell myself that Matt wouldn't waste it crying or worrying about the future (too much, though Matt always had a backup plan). I tell myself to take it one day at a time. Well, it hasn't worked perfectly, but it's helped. I'm finishing my classes and graduating this quarter. (It's finals week - blech!)
I just don't know what I want out of life now that he's not here. I'm not really sure where to go or what to do. I tried listening to my heart, but it's broken. My five year plan was Our five year plan. I was going to work while Matt finished his Ph.D. and got his teaching credential, and then I was going to go to graduate school to get my doctorate.
I am trying to define my life in short-term goals right now. I have to graduate. That comes first. The rest will follow.
See, Matt and I were engaged - have been since he moved in with me two years ago. I was really nervous about us living together without being married, and what my family was going to say about it. He suggested that we just go get married. I told him that I didn't want to get married or be publicly engaged until after I finished school, as it would be a huge distraction. (More so than living together - long story, but trust me.) I also told him that I wanted him to make a big deal out of it and ask me again when it was right for us to be "official." I found out last Wednesday that he had ordered a ring for me - the design is his. He was just waiting for me to finish... I'm pretty sure, with the timing of when it'll be finished, that Matt was going to ask me either on my birthday, or our anniversary, both of which are coming up.
Am I wrong to feel cheated? I have had more love and adventure in four years with Matt than many people have in 50 years of marriage. I feel like I've known him for a lifetime. So why should I feel so cheated?
It hurts so much. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that some day I am granted the wisdom to know why this happened, or what lesson I am supposed to take from this. But for now, it just hurts.
