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Reflections
Nov. 8th, 2005 02:03 amDid you ever have a moment where you are in your car, heading home, and you get the sudden urge to pick a direction and keep driving until you have to pull over to sleep, get up, and then keep going?
I had a moment like that not too long ago. I haven't entirely lost the urge yet.
Or how about this: Have you ever felt so restless, so desirous of change that you wanted to exersize, run, jog, swim, whatever, until every muscle in your body burned and ached?
I need to get out of this house. I need to get a job. I don't want to take work that I am not passionate about - I am afraid that I'll get stuck. On a different level, I recognize that I can't sit around waiting for the perfect job to appear. I need to find something to do in the interum, not only for my sanity, but also to ensure I have a place to live, food to eat, etc. as the year wears onward. It's just frustrating because all of the environmental positions that come up are for people with 10+ years of experience as a scientist. There are few/no entry level positions opening up right now. GRRRR!
I need to change, to bend, to fix my life. I need for everything to be o-kay, right now, because I said so. That's right, Universe, you heard me. Because. I. Said. So. I'll even throw in the magic words: Please. Thank you.
I need to let go. I need to throw my hands up in the air and accept this life as my own. I recognize that I still haven't done that - not in my heart of hearts. I am still waiting to wake up, waiting for Matt to still be alive, and for my life to still be full of the possibilities that I was counting on. I can't fly until I figure out how to fall, and I can't fall until I let go.
I had a moment like that not too long ago. I haven't entirely lost the urge yet.
Or how about this: Have you ever felt so restless, so desirous of change that you wanted to exersize, run, jog, swim, whatever, until every muscle in your body burned and ached?
I need to get out of this house. I need to get a job. I don't want to take work that I am not passionate about - I am afraid that I'll get stuck. On a different level, I recognize that I can't sit around waiting for the perfect job to appear. I need to find something to do in the interum, not only for my sanity, but also to ensure I have a place to live, food to eat, etc. as the year wears onward. It's just frustrating because all of the environmental positions that come up are for people with 10+ years of experience as a scientist. There are few/no entry level positions opening up right now. GRRRR!
I need to change, to bend, to fix my life. I need for everything to be o-kay, right now, because I said so. That's right, Universe, you heard me. Because. I. Said. So. I'll even throw in the magic words: Please. Thank you.
I need to let go. I need to throw my hands up in the air and accept this life as my own. I recognize that I still haven't done that - not in my heart of hearts. I am still waiting to wake up, waiting for Matt to still be alive, and for my life to still be full of the possibilities that I was counting on. I can't fly until I figure out how to fall, and I can't fall until I let go.
