Pain

Reality hit me on the head like a metal baseball bat. Matt is not coming home. I'm not going to wake up in a reality where he hasn't died. I'm not going to get many dreams with him in them anymore. He's moved forward and I'm stuck here. That hurts so much that I ache physically.

I understand that there just might be someone else out there for me. I understand that I'm here because people still need me. I still need Matt. Yet, he still died. THAT I don't understand. In fact, I don't want to understand. I just want him to walk through the door right up to me, kiss me, and tell me that everything is all right - even though it is not all right. I want to believe that it is all right.

For the first time in my life, I hurt so badly that, at times, I feel numb. I find myself questioning who I am and what I have here in life without Matt. When I cry, my tears burn my face and my body actually hurts. I love Matt so deeply. A part of me died with him and left this huge gaping void. Right now, I'm hanging over its edge.

I am not allowed to let go. So I just hang on. If I hold on long enough, maybe I'll be able to pull myself back up onto the edge. Then maybe I'll be able to feel again. Either that, or I'll learn to fly.