singerinthedark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
singerinthedark) wrote2005-06-05 10:36 pm
singerinthedark) wrote2005-06-05 10:36 pm
Things and stuff
On a purely editorial note, I have updated the previous entry with better, far less blurry pictures of the ring. Huzzah for my very intelligent mother who told me to try and scan my ring. It worked beautifully.
I am so grateful to the Godwins for having the jeweler finish the ring Matt commissioned for me and for paying for the ring. It is beautiful. Of all the thoughtful gifts Matt has given me in the four years we were together, this is the most amazing. Not for the expense or anything, but for the thought that obviously went into it. I mean, down to the Celtic knot being of a similar design to my favorite necklace - the first piece of jewlery he bought for me. Wow.
On a emotionally difficult note, I spent the weekend cleaning out some of Matt's things with his mom. On the one hand, I am relieved to not have the entirety of two people's stuff floating through my room and in the storage unit, and yet...
It's hard giving up these things. I want his parents and his brothers to have things that remind them of Matt. They need that to help them heal. I keep telling myself it's just stuff. Having these things will not bring Matthew back to me. However, not having these things means that I have to stop lying to myself and start moving forward. It's only been three months. I don't want to be one of those people who keeps their room as a shrine to their lost loved ones. At the same time, I'm having a hard time letting go.
What makes it harder, is that Mom, in trying to be helpful, is continually pushing me to give the Godwins more of Matt's things. Before I go on, let me state here that I begrudge Matt's family absolutely nothing. I have no problems giving almost any of Matt's things to them. (I'm willing to admit that there's a few exceptions, such as the books I gave him or his grey cloak.) However I'm not ready to have absolutely all of it carted off right now, and Mom keeps pointing to items in my room saying, "why don't you give them this?" I know her heart is in the right place. She wants Matt's family to have some pieces of his life. I just hate it when she gets pushy with me. I know that she's just trying to help me do the right thing with Matt's belongings. Sometimes I feel like it is at the expense of my feelings. When she points things out, she doesn't ask if they had any significance to me as well. She just says "you should" or "why don't you..." I recognize that this all sounds selfish and whiny. I also recognize that this is completely unintentional on Mom's part. She's been through having to divide up someone's things before (her mom's), and is just trying to help me let go and move on. There are just a few things that, while I know I'm not going to keep for myself in the long run, I'm not ready to let go of them, like his climbing equipment. His harness has sat next to mine for so long that it's hard to take it down off its peg.
Mom backed off today when she pulled me aside, I assume to tell me that I should be letting go of more right now or focusing on Matt's parents' needs, and I broke down. I haven't cried like that for a few weeks. I'm trying so hard not to step on Matt's parents' toes. They have been so good to me from day one of meeting them. I want so badly to make sure they get what they need. I want to make sure that our friends get what they need. I want my parents to get what they need. I want to make sure that I don't forget to take care of my own needs. I'm trying so hard to balance all these needs. I'm trying really hard not to snap at Mom and Dad when they are just trying to be helpful. This is so hard. I am completely overwhelmed in dealing with the enormity of this situation and its implications. I can only do so much at one time. I think Mom and I need to talk about this. I'm just afraid of hurting her feelings - I may be oversensitive, my Mom is definately where I get that from.
It's weird to be able to walk through my room. It's weird to have all of these things just gone. In a way, it's like living my worst nightmare - that I'd wake up one day and Matt would have disappeared. In a different and upsetting way, it's been liberating.
I am so grateful to the Godwins for having the jeweler finish the ring Matt commissioned for me and for paying for the ring. It is beautiful. Of all the thoughtful gifts Matt has given me in the four years we were together, this is the most amazing. Not for the expense or anything, but for the thought that obviously went into it. I mean, down to the Celtic knot being of a similar design to my favorite necklace - the first piece of jewlery he bought for me. Wow.
On a emotionally difficult note, I spent the weekend cleaning out some of Matt's things with his mom. On the one hand, I am relieved to not have the entirety of two people's stuff floating through my room and in the storage unit, and yet...
It's hard giving up these things. I want his parents and his brothers to have things that remind them of Matt. They need that to help them heal. I keep telling myself it's just stuff. Having these things will not bring Matthew back to me. However, not having these things means that I have to stop lying to myself and start moving forward. It's only been three months. I don't want to be one of those people who keeps their room as a shrine to their lost loved ones. At the same time, I'm having a hard time letting go.
What makes it harder, is that Mom, in trying to be helpful, is continually pushing me to give the Godwins more of Matt's things. Before I go on, let me state here that I begrudge Matt's family absolutely nothing. I have no problems giving almost any of Matt's things to them. (I'm willing to admit that there's a few exceptions, such as the books I gave him or his grey cloak.) However I'm not ready to have absolutely all of it carted off right now, and Mom keeps pointing to items in my room saying, "why don't you give them this?" I know her heart is in the right place. She wants Matt's family to have some pieces of his life. I just hate it when she gets pushy with me. I know that she's just trying to help me do the right thing with Matt's belongings. Sometimes I feel like it is at the expense of my feelings. When she points things out, she doesn't ask if they had any significance to me as well. She just says "you should" or "why don't you..." I recognize that this all sounds selfish and whiny. I also recognize that this is completely unintentional on Mom's part. She's been through having to divide up someone's things before (her mom's), and is just trying to help me let go and move on. There are just a few things that, while I know I'm not going to keep for myself in the long run, I'm not ready to let go of them, like his climbing equipment. His harness has sat next to mine for so long that it's hard to take it down off its peg.
Mom backed off today when she pulled me aside, I assume to tell me that I should be letting go of more right now or focusing on Matt's parents' needs, and I broke down. I haven't cried like that for a few weeks. I'm trying so hard not to step on Matt's parents' toes. They have been so good to me from day one of meeting them. I want so badly to make sure they get what they need. I want to make sure that our friends get what they need. I want my parents to get what they need. I want to make sure that I don't forget to take care of my own needs. I'm trying so hard to balance all these needs. I'm trying really hard not to snap at Mom and Dad when they are just trying to be helpful. This is so hard. I am completely overwhelmed in dealing with the enormity of this situation and its implications. I can only do so much at one time. I think Mom and I need to talk about this. I'm just afraid of hurting her feelings - I may be oversensitive, my Mom is definately where I get that from.
It's weird to be able to walk through my room. It's weird to have all of these things just gone. In a way, it's like living my worst nightmare - that I'd wake up one day and Matt would have disappeared. In a different and upsetting way, it's been liberating.
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Look -- when my father died, we were told: Don't get rid of anything major for at least a year. Don't sell the house. Don't give away anything sentimental. If there is a question in your mind about whether you will regret it later -- just don't. Now, to take your mother's side for a moment, there is something to be said for getting rid of day-to-day things -- clothes, his toothbrush, items that aren't meaningful to you but that would mean a lot to someone else (a gift his parents gave him that you don't have significant memories attached to, for instance). But only you get to decide what's right for you, and only you get to decide what to be sentimental about. This is not something your mother can decide for you. This is something you have to decide for yourself, as an adult.
If you need space, sit down and talk to your mother. I would explain that many of the things that you have kept are important to you, that you are doing your best, but that you need her to give you space to grieve (and learn to let go) in your own way. Be honest with her, but be honest with yourself too. Are you keeping things only because they belonged to Matt, or because they really are significant to you? When do you think you will be ready to let go? (I set myself "fixed yet movable" dates, because that's how my brain works and it lets me move forward, but you may find a different way to think about this.)
If I can make a suggestion, it would be a terrible pity to give something to Matt's parents that they will not value, but which is meaningful to you -- perhaps it would help to go through things with Matt's parents, instead of (or additionally) with your mother, to ensure that what they get, they will value, but that you are not giving up things that would be meaningful to you unless they are equally meaningful to his parents. You can't read minds, and his parents may see things in a very different way than you and your mother do. And you may find that in going through his things together, you discover things about each other (and matt, and relationships) that you didn't know before.
My other suggestion, and one I mean very seriously, is that if you are not seeing a grief counselor now, I would start as soon as possible. Having a safe place to talk things out (with someone who can give you better and more objective advice than your friends can) is So Helpful in dealing with things. It lets you understand what is normal (which can also give you tools to use when trying to deal with your mother's way of expressing her concerns). A grief counselor can also tell you what other people have done, helping to avoid the situation of trying to reinvent the wheel while suffering through a (perfectly normal and predictable) emotional storm. You may also find that if your mother knows you are getting help, she will feel more comfortable letting you proceed at your own pace. And it may be helpful to have your mother meet with your grief counselor as well, which will let her get a sense of the kind of person who is helping her daughter -- and which may help her feel more comfortable about letting go a little.
Long post. Sorry to ramble. But know that your mother undoubtedly only wants you to be happy. No question in my mind. And I know you probably feel like you will never be happy again (I know I went through that), and that you just want to be left alone to deal with things your own way... but (speaking observationally) it is really hard for parents to watch their kids suffer, and really really natural for them to try to fix things when they go wrong, even if they know (intellectually) that they can't. My guess is, your mom is trying to fix a gaping wound with a band-aid (and knows it), but it's the only thing she has, and she has to try something, because you are her daughter and she loves you.
continued... (sorry for the long post)
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i realized you friended me, a little while ago... shall I friend you back?
this post, in particular reminds me of when Mom and I were going thru Dad's things. We just recently hit another deathaversary (11 years, now) and the memories and emotions are close to the surface again.
I remember this feeling. a crazy swirley combination of guilt and grief and open space and freedom, relief-anger-pleasure, ... ??? hard to put into words.
FWIW, I wish I'd had LJ when my dad died. Nobody talked about him when he died, in spite of my asking. I had no-one to talk to about my experience. I'm glad you have this connectivity with friends.
I don't know if I've mentioned to you, but I liked Matt muchly, in spite of not knowing him well. And like other Pryanksters have said, he was one of those people "I really should try to spend time with..." *SIGH!* um, yeah.
so, hi... and also FWIW, I'm proud of you for processing. I held onto so much grief and anger for YEARS. I think you will come to a place of peace much quicker than I did with my dad, or I certainly hope so. took me almost 8 years... =(
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