singerinthedark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
singerinthedark) wrote2005-06-05 10:36 pm
singerinthedark) wrote2005-06-05 10:36 pm
Things and stuff
On a purely editorial note, I have updated the previous entry with better, far less blurry pictures of the ring. Huzzah for my very intelligent mother who told me to try and scan my ring. It worked beautifully.
I am so grateful to the Godwins for having the jeweler finish the ring Matt commissioned for me and for paying for the ring. It is beautiful. Of all the thoughtful gifts Matt has given me in the four years we were together, this is the most amazing. Not for the expense or anything, but for the thought that obviously went into it. I mean, down to the Celtic knot being of a similar design to my favorite necklace - the first piece of jewlery he bought for me. Wow.
On a emotionally difficult note, I spent the weekend cleaning out some of Matt's things with his mom. On the one hand, I am relieved to not have the entirety of two people's stuff floating through my room and in the storage unit, and yet...
It's hard giving up these things. I want his parents and his brothers to have things that remind them of Matt. They need that to help them heal. I keep telling myself it's just stuff. Having these things will not bring Matthew back to me. However, not having these things means that I have to stop lying to myself and start moving forward. It's only been three months. I don't want to be one of those people who keeps their room as a shrine to their lost loved ones. At the same time, I'm having a hard time letting go.
What makes it harder, is that Mom, in trying to be helpful, is continually pushing me to give the Godwins more of Matt's things. Before I go on, let me state here that I begrudge Matt's family absolutely nothing. I have no problems giving almost any of Matt's things to them. (I'm willing to admit that there's a few exceptions, such as the books I gave him or his grey cloak.) However I'm not ready to have absolutely all of it carted off right now, and Mom keeps pointing to items in my room saying, "why don't you give them this?" I know her heart is in the right place. She wants Matt's family to have some pieces of his life. I just hate it when she gets pushy with me. I know that she's just trying to help me do the right thing with Matt's belongings. Sometimes I feel like it is at the expense of my feelings. When she points things out, she doesn't ask if they had any significance to me as well. She just says "you should" or "why don't you..." I recognize that this all sounds selfish and whiny. I also recognize that this is completely unintentional on Mom's part. She's been through having to divide up someone's things before (her mom's), and is just trying to help me let go and move on. There are just a few things that, while I know I'm not going to keep for myself in the long run, I'm not ready to let go of them, like his climbing equipment. His harness has sat next to mine for so long that it's hard to take it down off its peg.
Mom backed off today when she pulled me aside, I assume to tell me that I should be letting go of more right now or focusing on Matt's parents' needs, and I broke down. I haven't cried like that for a few weeks. I'm trying so hard not to step on Matt's parents' toes. They have been so good to me from day one of meeting them. I want so badly to make sure they get what they need. I want to make sure that our friends get what they need. I want my parents to get what they need. I want to make sure that I don't forget to take care of my own needs. I'm trying so hard to balance all these needs. I'm trying really hard not to snap at Mom and Dad when they are just trying to be helpful. This is so hard. I am completely overwhelmed in dealing with the enormity of this situation and its implications. I can only do so much at one time. I think Mom and I need to talk about this. I'm just afraid of hurting her feelings - I may be oversensitive, my Mom is definately where I get that from.
It's weird to be able to walk through my room. It's weird to have all of these things just gone. In a way, it's like living my worst nightmare - that I'd wake up one day and Matt would have disappeared. In a different and upsetting way, it's been liberating.
I am so grateful to the Godwins for having the jeweler finish the ring Matt commissioned for me and for paying for the ring. It is beautiful. Of all the thoughtful gifts Matt has given me in the four years we were together, this is the most amazing. Not for the expense or anything, but for the thought that obviously went into it. I mean, down to the Celtic knot being of a similar design to my favorite necklace - the first piece of jewlery he bought for me. Wow.
On a emotionally difficult note, I spent the weekend cleaning out some of Matt's things with his mom. On the one hand, I am relieved to not have the entirety of two people's stuff floating through my room and in the storage unit, and yet...
It's hard giving up these things. I want his parents and his brothers to have things that remind them of Matt. They need that to help them heal. I keep telling myself it's just stuff. Having these things will not bring Matthew back to me. However, not having these things means that I have to stop lying to myself and start moving forward. It's only been three months. I don't want to be one of those people who keeps their room as a shrine to their lost loved ones. At the same time, I'm having a hard time letting go.
What makes it harder, is that Mom, in trying to be helpful, is continually pushing me to give the Godwins more of Matt's things. Before I go on, let me state here that I begrudge Matt's family absolutely nothing. I have no problems giving almost any of Matt's things to them. (I'm willing to admit that there's a few exceptions, such as the books I gave him or his grey cloak.) However I'm not ready to have absolutely all of it carted off right now, and Mom keeps pointing to items in my room saying, "why don't you give them this?" I know her heart is in the right place. She wants Matt's family to have some pieces of his life. I just hate it when she gets pushy with me. I know that she's just trying to help me do the right thing with Matt's belongings. Sometimes I feel like it is at the expense of my feelings. When she points things out, she doesn't ask if they had any significance to me as well. She just says "you should" or "why don't you..." I recognize that this all sounds selfish and whiny. I also recognize that this is completely unintentional on Mom's part. She's been through having to divide up someone's things before (her mom's), and is just trying to help me let go and move on. There are just a few things that, while I know I'm not going to keep for myself in the long run, I'm not ready to let go of them, like his climbing equipment. His harness has sat next to mine for so long that it's hard to take it down off its peg.
Mom backed off today when she pulled me aside, I assume to tell me that I should be letting go of more right now or focusing on Matt's parents' needs, and I broke down. I haven't cried like that for a few weeks. I'm trying so hard not to step on Matt's parents' toes. They have been so good to me from day one of meeting them. I want so badly to make sure they get what they need. I want to make sure that our friends get what they need. I want my parents to get what they need. I want to make sure that I don't forget to take care of my own needs. I'm trying so hard to balance all these needs. I'm trying really hard not to snap at Mom and Dad when they are just trying to be helpful. This is so hard. I am completely overwhelmed in dealing with the enormity of this situation and its implications. I can only do so much at one time. I think Mom and I need to talk about this. I'm just afraid of hurting her feelings - I may be oversensitive, my Mom is definately where I get that from.
It's weird to be able to walk through my room. It's weird to have all of these things just gone. In a way, it's like living my worst nightmare - that I'd wake up one day and Matt would have disappeared. In a different and upsetting way, it's been liberating.