singerinthedark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
singerinthedark) wrote2005-03-16 02:00 pm
singerinthedark) wrote2005-03-16 02:00 pm
A mad, mad world
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, delirious of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding across the stars..." - Jack Kerouac
I woke up early this morning and spent it going over all of the old letters Matt and I wrote to each other. It's funny, I wrote a lot. Matt wrote very little. After about a year of knowing each other, Matt had a tendency to just tell me what he was feeling. He never really wrote me cards or anything like that. He'd show me. I guess it all goes back to the beauty of impermanence - it is a wonderful thing because it doesn't last forever.
I found a letter I wrote to Matt very, very early on in our relationship. He was supposed to read it only in case of my death. First of all, I was shocked to see that he had respected that... I always had the hardest time hiding his presents because he would be so curious that he would seek them out actively. The envelope was still sealed. I opened it and read it.
I guess I have always felt that our relationship would end early. I have had brief flashes of "what would I do if Matt died?" and "what will Matt do if I'm gone?" throughout our relationship. I never let myself dwell on those flashes, but I gave Matt a big hug and kiss every time I had one. I always thought, though, that I would be the one to die.
In fact, I was never really able to see five of us in the tiny apartment in Davis, not for lack of wanting it. I just never said anything because my intuition is often clouded by stress. I doubt things would be different if I had. If it was his time, it wouldn't have mattered what I said or did. One way or another I would have lost him.
I feel oddly calm today. Last night I thought my heart was going to explode. Then, I returned a call from one of my pryankster friends. She confirmed what I already knew - that Matt was still around and visiting everyone. He was also chiding me to start studying. (Of course, I did no such thing, but rather, went to bed and read a little out of the book "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.") Actually, what really got me, was talking to myself in the bathroom while getting ready for bed, and hearing Matt whisper something in my ear...
I have always been sensitive to spiritual activity. I have never really heard ghosts, though. I filter that out because it tends to startle me. But, when I heard Matt's voice, I was elated. I wasn't scared. I wasn't moved to tears. I was filled with joy because I know he's o-kay, and it was so cool that I could hear him...
Obviously, it could have been the seed of an overactive imagination or wishful thinking (I was thinking of him at the time...). I don't know, though. As my Mom would say, it is what it is.
If there is anything I have taken from this experience, it is a sheer, overwhelming love for life and the people I'm with. I've always loved life, but in the last six months I have lost track of that with all of the studying, stressing out, and reaching for a perfection I know that no one can attain. Matt has made the world more vivid to me, in life, and in death. I wrote in a letter to him that I would want Matt to live, to breathe, to move on with a clear heart should I ever die. While he never told me outright (Matt never talked to me about death - he always lived in the now), I know he'd want me to do the same.
So I go on in this mad, crazy, ever-spinning world to new adventures. Every day is so special. Every day I breathe is so good. While I miss Matt, I am so grateful to have the time that I do to share this world with the rest of you. I hope you find love and peace in your day as well.
Enough philosophy. I have Behavioral Ecology of the Insects to study. (mmmm crunchy!)
I woke up early this morning and spent it going over all of the old letters Matt and I wrote to each other. It's funny, I wrote a lot. Matt wrote very little. After about a year of knowing each other, Matt had a tendency to just tell me what he was feeling. He never really wrote me cards or anything like that. He'd show me. I guess it all goes back to the beauty of impermanence - it is a wonderful thing because it doesn't last forever.
I found a letter I wrote to Matt very, very early on in our relationship. He was supposed to read it only in case of my death. First of all, I was shocked to see that he had respected that... I always had the hardest time hiding his presents because he would be so curious that he would seek them out actively. The envelope was still sealed. I opened it and read it.
I guess I have always felt that our relationship would end early. I have had brief flashes of "what would I do if Matt died?" and "what will Matt do if I'm gone?" throughout our relationship. I never let myself dwell on those flashes, but I gave Matt a big hug and kiss every time I had one. I always thought, though, that I would be the one to die.
In fact, I was never really able to see five of us in the tiny apartment in Davis, not for lack of wanting it. I just never said anything because my intuition is often clouded by stress. I doubt things would be different if I had. If it was his time, it wouldn't have mattered what I said or did. One way or another I would have lost him.
I feel oddly calm today. Last night I thought my heart was going to explode. Then, I returned a call from one of my pryankster friends. She confirmed what I already knew - that Matt was still around and visiting everyone. He was also chiding me to start studying. (Of course, I did no such thing, but rather, went to bed and read a little out of the book "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.") Actually, what really got me, was talking to myself in the bathroom while getting ready for bed, and hearing Matt whisper something in my ear...
I have always been sensitive to spiritual activity. I have never really heard ghosts, though. I filter that out because it tends to startle me. But, when I heard Matt's voice, I was elated. I wasn't scared. I wasn't moved to tears. I was filled with joy because I know he's o-kay, and it was so cool that I could hear him...
Obviously, it could have been the seed of an overactive imagination or wishful thinking (I was thinking of him at the time...). I don't know, though. As my Mom would say, it is what it is.
If there is anything I have taken from this experience, it is a sheer, overwhelming love for life and the people I'm with. I've always loved life, but in the last six months I have lost track of that with all of the studying, stressing out, and reaching for a perfection I know that no one can attain. Matt has made the world more vivid to me, in life, and in death. I wrote in a letter to him that I would want Matt to live, to breathe, to move on with a clear heart should I ever die. While he never told me outright (Matt never talked to me about death - he always lived in the now), I know he'd want me to do the same.
So I go on in this mad, crazy, ever-spinning world to new adventures. Every day is so special. Every day I breathe is so good. While I miss Matt, I am so grateful to have the time that I do to share this world with the rest of you. I hope you find love and peace in your day as well.
Enough philosophy. I have Behavioral Ecology of the Insects to study. (mmmm crunchy!)