singerinthedark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
singerinthedark) wrote2006-09-18 04:38 pm
singerinthedark) wrote2006-09-18 04:38 pm
Growth
I've been thinking a lot about this journal. When I first started this journal, it was a place to put down what I was going through when Matt died. From the sincere to the over-dramatic, I wanted there to be a record SOMEWHERE of what it's like to lose your soulmate. While grief is a personal and uncomfortably intimiate malady, I thought that putting my thoughts out there might be of some comfort if someday someone stumbled on my journal. They are not alone.
As life has progressed, this journal became a place where I had an opportunity to get to know some of the dear people I've always considered friends. I've come to realize that, though these people were always friends, I was sleepwalking through our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be Matt's girlfriend, that I forgot to be the Battymaiden. I forgot that I had a life outside of my late fiancé. I had begun to realize this before Matt died, but getting to really know my friends brought this issue into Technocolor brilliance.
I have become the individual I have always tried to be. I'm no longer Matt's girl. I'm no one's girl, and as much I may whine about wanting love, I like being single. I am the Batty Maiden.
And still, I feel unsettled.
This journal has begun to replace my personal, handwritten journal. I find myself posting things just to have some input on my life, regardless of the relevance or importance of what I'm posting. My entries are filled with quantity, but many aren't at all quality. This simply will not do. I don't want to continue in the fantasy that the world revolves around me. It's not healthy. And while I still want to use the medium of Live Journal to keep my friends informed on what's really going on in my life, there are things that I don't need to post to the world.
At this point, I'll bet those of you who've been reading since the start are wondering, "What prompted this?" I had an article passed to me from the New York Times. It talks about how potential employers are Googling their clients as part of a background check. Now, I have a general rule about posting things online: If I don't want it coming back to haunt me or to be mutilated by some random person who stumbles on it while surfing the web, it doesn't get posted. That being said, I've still put some personal posts online.
Starting this week, I will be going back and making many of my posts friends-only. I have updated my friends list to include pretty much everyone who's friended me, as I know, or have at least met, most of them personally. I will be leaving this post and my posts on grieving public because I started this journal to put that story out there. Beyond that, I'll decide what stays public on a case by case basis. I have nothing to hide. At the same time, I don't necessarily want my life to become watercooler chat once I get a job.
In the future, I will probably keep placing the occasional update on Live Journal, but I'd really like to use this medium as I originally intended it; for growth and reflection. So anything that is posted is likely to have a more philosophical slant.
In case you were wondering, googling my name (my real name) doesn't bring up anything I'm ashamed of, nor does googling my journal name. I've pretty much kept to my own rules when posting online. ;)
As life has progressed, this journal became a place where I had an opportunity to get to know some of the dear people I've always considered friends. I've come to realize that, though these people were always friends, I was sleepwalking through our friendship. I gave up so much of who I am to be Matt's girlfriend, that I forgot to be the Battymaiden. I forgot that I had a life outside of my late fiancé. I had begun to realize this before Matt died, but getting to really know my friends brought this issue into Technocolor brilliance.
I have become the individual I have always tried to be. I'm no longer Matt's girl. I'm no one's girl, and as much I may whine about wanting love, I like being single. I am the Batty Maiden.
And still, I feel unsettled.
This journal has begun to replace my personal, handwritten journal. I find myself posting things just to have some input on my life, regardless of the relevance or importance of what I'm posting. My entries are filled with quantity, but many aren't at all quality. This simply will not do. I don't want to continue in the fantasy that the world revolves around me. It's not healthy. And while I still want to use the medium of Live Journal to keep my friends informed on what's really going on in my life, there are things that I don't need to post to the world.
At this point, I'll bet those of you who've been reading since the start are wondering, "What prompted this?" I had an article passed to me from the New York Times. It talks about how potential employers are Googling their clients as part of a background check. Now, I have a general rule about posting things online: If I don't want it coming back to haunt me or to be mutilated by some random person who stumbles on it while surfing the web, it doesn't get posted. That being said, I've still put some personal posts online.
Starting this week, I will be going back and making many of my posts friends-only. I have updated my friends list to include pretty much everyone who's friended me, as I know, or have at least met, most of them personally. I will be leaving this post and my posts on grieving public because I started this journal to put that story out there. Beyond that, I'll decide what stays public on a case by case basis. I have nothing to hide. At the same time, I don't necessarily want my life to become watercooler chat once I get a job.
In the future, I will probably keep placing the occasional update on Live Journal, but I'd really like to use this medium as I originally intended it; for growth and reflection. So anything that is posted is likely to have a more philosophical slant.
In case you were wondering, googling my name (my real name) doesn't bring up anything I'm ashamed of, nor does googling my journal name. I've pretty much kept to my own rules when posting online. ;)