singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
Yesterday I found myself at the Holocaust memorial here in Miami. It's a two story tall sculpture of a hand with a serial number tattooed into it, and people crawling up the hand. To get near the sculpture, you walk through this passageway with the names of the concentration camps etched into the stone along the walls. As you walk down the passage, you can hear a children's choir singing in Hebrew. You cannot hear the music once you are more than a few steps away from the entrance, though. It is truly amazing and a moving memorial to those who died during the Holocaust.

As I went to leave, the security guard, Marlo, said to me, "Excuse me, What the heck are you doing here?" I was flabbergasted. It struck me that I didn't know whether he meant the memorial or Miami or just life. It turned out he hates Miami and recognized me as an out-of-towner. We talked for a long time about life, politics, and everything. However, over the last couple of days I couldn't get those words out of my head. What the heck AM I doing here?

It's funny how a simple question, just one simple question, can bring your brain to run a mile a minute and get you to question everything you have done up to this point. Why did I come to Miami? I'm running away from my empty room and my sad life. I have so much love and support, but that man I needed, my One, isn't there. And, for the last few days I've been able to pretend that everything is all right. Well it's not all right. It's not going to be all right. I'm never going to see his face again. That is not all right.

Despite the lack of stuff to do in the area I'm staying at, I don't want to go home yet. It's been a nice vacation from my life. As much as I can't wait to be home with all of my friends, I don't want to go home to my reality without Matt.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
I am leaving early Tuesday morning for Miami, FL where I will be working for a few days at a conference. The organization is paying my travel, my room, a per diem for food, $15/hr for the days I work, and then I get three or so days to explore Miami. Yea! I return home on the 13th(ish - I probably won't get back to Davis until the 14th, as I'll probably crash at my parent's house overnight to readjust to west coast time).

I will hopefully be able to update everyone on my travels sometime during the week.

I had a rough week last week. The accident report came in. I only skimmed it, but some of the details were fairly upsetting. The only good thing that came out of it was the confirmation of what I was told already; Matt could not have avoided the accident. There were no lights on at that part of the freeway, and the car was still spinning in the middle lane when Matt hit it. He was thrown, and, now I just hope that he didn't know what hit him, because the two people who were helping him did not give statements to the police.

I need to go to bed and pack a little. Perhaps I'll write a bit more before I leave for Miami.

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singerinthedark

August 2010

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