Oh, bother

Mar. 21st, 2005 11:55 am
Finals are almost over (one more this afternoon.) I took the one for physiology of the fishes, and I think I just blew the B+ I was getting. Maybe my professor will be lenient on me. I just couldn't focus this weekend at all... I've had a short attention span lately, and this weekend was just awful in terms of distraction. I couldn't look at my book for more than 20 minutes at a time. I stayed up all night (minus a 1 1/2 hour nap) studying, and I still didn't cover everything I needed for the test. (Mostly because I forgot to go over the readings in detail this weekend, so I lost a TON of points on that... Hopefully some of my educated guessing paid off.) The good news is that I know I didn't fail the test, so unless he does some sort of funky way of weighing grades, I at least passed the class.

I have one more final this afternoon at 4 (Pest Management), but I'm not too worried about that one. The teacher tends to write tests that test the way I tend to think (if that makes any sense).

Then, after this, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. My plans for the next few years were all surrounding getting Matt through his Ph.D. the two of us starting our life together, and then running off so that I can go get my Ph.D. It's just so surreal. Bad enough that I'm done with undergraduate work and am now pretty much responsible for myself (very scary), but now I have to do it without the person who was my biggest support. It's overwhelming.

I know I'm going to stick around here, probably for another year or so. I'll probably get a job with a consulting firm somewhere. Over the next few months I have to go through Matt's things... It seemed like so very much stuff not too long ago, and now, as I contemplate going through it, it's not very much debris from life at all...

I guess, now that I'm out of distractions, I get to face the reality of losing Matt. We are going to bury his ashes on Saturday in Seattle, where his parents live. (Yes, bury his ashes. Matt wanted to be cremated, and his parents want to be buried with him when they die. I think he might have wanted to be scattered, but he never told me outright - that I can remember. We never really talked about death. It's a compromise - his parents have a place to visit and Matt doesn't take up as much cemetery space.) I'm not really sure how I'm going to react. It wasn't pretty when I heard that he probably wasn't going to make it in the hospital. I was a mess when they took him off the respirator. Even though his body won't be in a coffin or any recognizable form, I'm just not sure how I'm going to feel about seeing a headstone with his name on it. I've been taking this whole thing in stride, as much as one can in these circumstances. I've been dealing with it as things come up, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'm really dealing with it, or just pushing it off for a later breakdown. I'm trying so hard not to cry as often... Matt wouldn't want me to be weepy all the time. I just loved him so very, very much. It's hard to let go.

Well, I need to stay focused and study for this last test. Wish me luck...
It's midway through my finals, and I managed to do pretty well. Yesterday, I did pretty well on the Entomology final; there were only two questions I couldn't answer. Today I took a final for my Habitat Restoration and Ecology class. That one went pretty well, too. I don't think I lost too many points on it, as I had more to say than there was space, but I think I hit all of the points on each question. Three classes down, two to go.

I've been all right today overall. I found out that I got an A on my term paper for the Habitat restoration class, and that my professor is not going to make me give the presentation on it. So, barring any major failures on the final (and, as I said above, I'm pretty sure I didn't flub it too badly), I have an A in that class. I feel really proud of myself for getting such a good grade in that class. I have had a hard time in getting good grades throughout my college career, mostly because I tried to keep my life balanced and have a life outside of academics. (Being a procrastinator doesn't help any.) I feel like I really pushed myself this quarter, and now I'm finishing with a bang.

The downside of all of this is that, I can't bounce home, throw my arms around Matt, and get a finger waved at me for being too squeaky next to his ear. I can still tell him, it's just not the same. I know he'd be proud of me, but, darn it, I want my victory hug!

Sometimes I wish I knew how to switch into parallel dimensions, even if just briefly, so that I could share this small triumph with Matt in a world where he isn't dead.



August 2010



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