singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
I broke down today. I didn't realize how much it might worry me that a friend might take up motorcycle riding. It wasn't too long ago that I felt like I should get a class M. license myself. But, when two friend both pranked LJ about learning to ride, well...

Let's say I couldn't tell you what we went over in my credential class today. Let' also say that, when I finally got it into my head that I should voice my concerns to one of these two friends, they told me it was an April Fool's joke.

I hung up on him. I was angry and hurt and needed to start breathing again.

It was a dumb reaction to a simple prank. Intellectually, I knew that a)if said person wanted to ride, I wasn't going to stop him, b)it wasn't intended to freak me out, and c)there was no reason that such a prank should freak me out. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I knew I was overreacting, but couldn't convince my brain to stop.

As I left campus, I started sobbing. I realized part of what was wrong: while I am prepared for my grandmother' death, I would be an utter wreck if one more of my good friends died suddenly. I don't want to be the last one standing. Instead of continuing to sob and potentially cause a wreck, I got a hold of myself and drove over to Dearbhail and [livejournal.com profile] ribbin's place for hugs and chamomile tea.

After hugs and during tea, [livejournal.com profile] ribbin brought up an interesting point, one that I've been mulling over most of this evening. He said, "when I heard you on the phone, I thought, 'She's not quite through with him yet." [That's paraphrased. Feel free to correct me.] He went on to mention how vehemently I've been saying that I'm over Matt. The unspoken inference was that I am denying too much - masking how I really feel.

The truth is no, I'm not completely over him. No matter how much I profess to be moving on and to have had closure, I still ache from his loss. That ache will always be there. Nothing will take away the trauma of watching my other half die. Nothing. I will always worry when friends talk about getting their class M license. I will always have a fear of late-night calls and the sickly-sweet smell of the injured in a hospital room. Heaven help the man who can keep me long enough to move in with me; it will take a long time for me to settle into being able to sleep restfully when he's away from my bed.

But, I am at a point where I feel I have enough room in my heart for someone new. Maybe not a relationship just yet, but there's room for love to grow. Dating is not something I have to do to prove to myself that I'm normal - it's something I want to do to make a little room for something new.

I can live with pain. That doesn't mean it won't get to me from time to time.

And please, no more motorcycle pranks for a while. Apparently I can't handle it.

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singerinthedark

August 2010

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