singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
I broke down today. I didn't realize how much it might worry me that a friend might take up motorcycle riding. It wasn't too long ago that I felt like I should get a class M. license myself. But, when two friend both pranked LJ about learning to ride, well...

Let's say I couldn't tell you what we went over in my credential class today. Let' also say that, when I finally got it into my head that I should voice my concerns to one of these two friends, they told me it was an April Fool's joke.

I hung up on him. I was angry and hurt and needed to start breathing again.

It was a dumb reaction to a simple prank. Intellectually, I knew that a)if said person wanted to ride, I wasn't going to stop him, b)it wasn't intended to freak me out, and c)there was no reason that such a prank should freak me out. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I knew I was overreacting, but couldn't convince my brain to stop.

As I left campus, I started sobbing. I realized part of what was wrong: while I am prepared for my grandmother' death, I would be an utter wreck if one more of my good friends died suddenly. I don't want to be the last one standing. Instead of continuing to sob and potentially cause a wreck, I got a hold of myself and drove over to Dearbhail and [livejournal.com profile] ribbin's place for hugs and chamomile tea.

After hugs and during tea, [livejournal.com profile] ribbin brought up an interesting point, one that I've been mulling over most of this evening. He said, "when I heard you on the phone, I thought, 'She's not quite through with him yet." [That's paraphrased. Feel free to correct me.] He went on to mention how vehemently I've been saying that I'm over Matt. The unspoken inference was that I am denying too much - masking how I really feel.

The truth is no, I'm not completely over him. No matter how much I profess to be moving on and to have had closure, I still ache from his loss. That ache will always be there. Nothing will take away the trauma of watching my other half die. Nothing. I will always worry when friends talk about getting their class M license. I will always have a fear of late-night calls and the sickly-sweet smell of the injured in a hospital room. Heaven help the man who can keep me long enough to move in with me; it will take a long time for me to settle into being able to sleep restfully when he's away from my bed.

But, I am at a point where I feel I have enough room in my heart for someone new. Maybe not a relationship just yet, but there's room for love to grow. Dating is not something I have to do to prove to myself that I'm normal - it's something I want to do to make a little room for something new.

I can live with pain. That doesn't mean it won't get to me from time to time.

And please, no more motorcycle pranks for a while. Apparently I can't handle it.

Growth

Feb. 28th, 2008 09:30 pm
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
March 7th is coming up. This year makes three years since I kissed Matt goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago...

I was talking with Dearbhail and [livejournal.com profile] ribbin last night, saying how this is not my favorite time of year. As I was talking about dreading March 7th, I realized that it almost felt like an act at this point - like I was dreading something because I am supposed to dread it. I was anticipating being a wreck, but this year just doesn't phase me. Three years and a lifetime ago I was in love. And now:

Oh, goddess! I still miss him. Sometimes his place in my heart still aches from the loss. I don't think I'll ever really get over that ache, but I don't feel like I'm bleeding to death anymore. I don't feel like the void is going to swallow me up. There's just an empty place where Matt should physically be. In a way, with all the death I've lived through, my life is starting to resemble Swiss cheese - lots of holes where one would expect substance.

I like my Swiss cheese life. I have been fortunate to know and love many, many wonderful people. I will always miss those people, but I can't cry for them anymore. You can't miss what you haven't really lost.

I haven't lost him, but I'm not Matt's girl anymore. You can't cheat on the dead. Love is partially based on the instinctual urge to mate. It's gooey, corporeal, visceral stuff. It's blood and flesh and mingling fluids. Yes, that's right. I said mingling fluids. That's not to say you can't love the dead. I do love him, but it's not the same. I just can't live my life waiting for the wedding that never came, the life that died on the vine. I want to get out and try to find a piece of that visceral, gooey happiness again.

Watching "Practical Magic" last night, it struck me how much I have always related to the character Sally Owens. I saw myself in her long before Matt ever walked into my life. However, unlike Sally, I know that there's something else out there for me. He's the King of Swords. (Tarot geek, me? Nah!) He's the prince in a dream I had. He's the promise to be kept. Some days I am afraid that he's just the carrot dangled at me so that I'll keep going. Other days I'm just certain he's out there...

I'm not counting my eggs. I have no illusions that I need to grow a little more, let go a little more, and stretch a little more before we'll actually find each other.

So where to next? Well, I'm going to shred Matt's old robe. Then, I am going to work on coming to terms with the fact that I am an adult, and I get to figure out what that means to me. I'm going to figure out how to make sure that I'm taking care of my own needs so that I don't burn out as a new teacher. I am going to delve deeper into my spirituality, practice my energy work, and work on really getting a good barrier between me and the world that I can throw up at will. (I think this will help with the craziness of dealing with pre-teen angst.) And you know what? I am finally going to organize my CD collection so that it feels like all my stuff, not the stuff that was Matt's, the stuff that is mine, and the stuff that was ours. Oh yeah, and somewhere in the next couple months I'm buying a car.

It's going to be an interesting few months.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
On a purely editorial note, I have updated the previous entry with better, far less blurry pictures of the ring. Huzzah for my very intelligent mother who told me to try and scan my ring. It worked beautifully.

I am so grateful to the Godwins for having the jeweler finish the ring Matt commissioned for me and for paying for the ring. It is beautiful. Of all the thoughtful gifts Matt has given me in the four years we were together, this is the most amazing. Not for the expense or anything, but for the thought that obviously went into it. I mean, down to the Celtic knot being of a similar design to my favorite necklace - the first piece of jewlery he bought for me. Wow.

On a emotionally difficult note, I spent the weekend cleaning out some of Matt's things with his mom. On the one hand, I am relieved to not have the entirety of two people's stuff floating through my room and in the storage unit, and yet...Things - warning: this rant gets whiny )

It's weird to be able to walk through my room. It's weird to have all of these things just gone. In a way, it's like living my worst nightmare - that I'd wake up one day and Matt would have disappeared. In a different and upsetting way, it's been liberating.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
So, yesterday the man driving one of the cars in the accident that Matt ran into plead "not guilty" to the charges against him. Apparently his laywer told the judge that he would plead guilty only if the judge could promise that he wouldn't serve any jail time. Of course, the judge couldn't promise that, so the preliminary trial is set for June 8th.

I was kinda hoping that this didn't go to trial. I was kinda hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of this aspect of losing Matt. I guess I was kinda wrong.

On the bright side of things, I'm feeling much better than I was a few days ago. I'm a little flustered with all the trial stuff, but overall my mood has improved. However, I reserve the right to remain moody for at least a few more months while I deal with all of this. I'm on emotional overload. (Can you blame me?)

Despite all of this, I am starting to feel ready to get my life on track. It's time to stop grieving for the loss and start healing through the grief. Moreover, while I still have people I need to love and support, I need to start taking some serious ME time so that I can get myself back into alignment - body, mind, and soul. There are some huge things on the horizon for me (not that I know what they are specifically). I need to be ready to face them head-on. I'm definately not balanced right now, and one more huge thing could send me over the edge. So, it's definately time to adjust.

Pain

May. 17th, 2005 06:58 pm
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
Reality hit me on the head like a metal baseball bat. Matt is not coming home. I'm not going to wake up in a reality where he hasn't died. I'm not going to get many dreams with him in them anymore. He's moved forward and I'm stuck here. That hurts so much that I ache physically.

I understand that there just might be someone else out there for me. I understand that I'm here because people still need me. I still need Matt. Yet, he still died. THAT I don't understand. In fact, I don't want to understand. I just want him to walk through the door right up to me, kiss me, and tell me that everything is all right - even though it is not all right. I want to believe that it is all right.

For the first time in my life, I hurt so badly that, at times, I feel numb. I find myself questioning who I am and what I have here in life without Matt. When I cry, my tears burn my face and my body actually hurts. I love Matt so deeply. A part of me died with him and left this huge gaping void. Right now, I'm hanging over its edge.

I am not allowed to let go. So I just hang on. If I hold on long enough, maybe I'll be able to pull myself back up onto the edge. Then maybe I'll be able to feel again. Either that, or I'll learn to fly.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
So . . . Yesterday, I started working on the scrapbook that will contain all of Matt's and my love letters, RPG character sheets from characters we designed together or that interacted a lot, and all of the condolences and articles about Matt (and, perhaps, the accident report and info about the trial - depends on how I feel about that later when I'm more level-headed). In other words, the story of our relationship in pieces. Right now, I'm working on the love letters, and, despite reading the accident report yesterday, it has brought me back to the frame of mind I was in when Matt and I were first courting. It's nice. At the same time, it has made me incredibly depressed, as he is not just living across town. So I'm happy-sad. Here begins my emotional confusion.

Last night I was at my Lindy Hop class, and we were going over leading techniques in close position. This position involves both partners touching, and the men lead with their left leg. This is so close that, for the followers their whole left side is in contact with the lead's right side. THAT close. (Let me insert here that some of the guys in my class are attractive.) It felt so good to have human male contact. I felt like, just for a moment, I could fall in love again - just to have that contact. Then I realized that it wasn't just any human male I wanted contact with. It made me miss Matt all the more. I miss his hugs, the way he would rub the back of my neck, the way he would lead me waayy to hard while dancing and throw me into the couch, apologize, then hug me and start over. I miss his body next to me at night. I miss passionate kisses. (Matt was a fantastic kisser.) I miss sex. It frustrates me to end that I can't take all of these feelings and take them out on Matt (in a very good way). I can't rub his neck, or give him a back massage, or lock our door and pounce him.

The hardest part is, as sad and frustrated as I am, because of the love-letters, a large part of my head is back in the frame of mind it was when I lived in the dorms. I keep flashing to thoughts that I'm still in the dorms and Matt just lives at Pacifico. That's how into the letters I've gotten. I've completely lost my grip on reality and it's all Matt's fault. I know this is not what he meant, but Matt once said that he'd do that to me. I had no idea. . .

I need to finish the scrapbook, though. I am so afraid that I'm going to lose some of these letters while going through my files. I'll feel better once they are all organized, mounted, and in one place where they can't escape.

Well, here's to hoping for some more dream-time visitations by Matt.
I wrote this Friday night (April 22nd) after a brief walk home. I didn't put it up until today because I wanted to give it a couple of days to see if anyone would respond to my last entry. I recieved two really wonderful and helpful responses - one on the last entry's message board and one by e-mail. They both helped a bit, and I am grateful to be around so many caring, reassuring people.

A brief moment of clarity )
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
Tonight I'm having trouble concentrating. Every time I sit down to do something, something else grabs my attention. (A good example is this entry, which is taking far too long to write because I keep trying to work on Matt's Rubik's cube.) This (hopefully temporary) bout of ADD is probably a side-effect of mourning. I have a hard enough time finishing projects as it is - something else is always coming up. Now finishing projects has become darn near impossible. To complicate this, I keep finding reasons to get out and generally not be in my room. On the one hand this is great, because I keep hanging out with people I haven't hung out with in over a year. On the other had, this is bad because I'm not taking enough time out for myself to really feel and really get a grip on myself and my feelings. I need to find a healthy balance.

Depression gets a second wind )

I want to let myself feel depressed in one continuous time frame. I just want to get the ickiness of mourning over with. I want to feel something, but I'm so easily distractable right now that when I start to cry something in my head says "Oooh look! A shiny. It's outside. I'm going to go follow the shiny outside." And then, I can't cry anymore.

I'm going to stop here. I just picked up the Rubik's cube for the 100th time tonight. I'm too distracted to even
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
So, I live in this room that still smells like him, feels like he still lives there, but lacks the person who made everything come to life. The other night, I broke down. I had just gotten some new pictures developed, ones of Matt and myself at Gaskell's Ball our first year together and some of my first backpacking trip ever, which Matt took me out on. I was so happy at first, but then, Saturday, I crashed. I looked at his face, the way he always tilted his head toward me in photographs, his skin... I miss him so much. I couldn't stand to be in the room anymore. The world is just so much duller without him in my life. I went home to my parent's for the night.

To top this all off, I feel like those in my inner circle are drifting away from me, or are falling apart. One good friend left today to move in with her boyfriend in Santa Rosa. A dear friend from my freshman year has been drifting away from Matt and I for the last three months or so. As I just found out on Saturday, the couple who was going to share the apartment with Matt and I just broke up not a week after Matt's memorial. I feel so lost. Not that I shouldn't have seen that coming. I read Tarot for myself that morning, and I was warned that Saturday would be a bad day for socialization - cards of loss, lonliness, and inner mystery (Luna - the moon - came up a couple of times). I just assumed that those cards were referring to Matt and myself. That dream I had not three days ago about the apartment potentially not working out... So to top everything off, I have to find new living arrangements for next year.

I have all of these friends, but I feel so lonely. With many of my friends drifting away, moving away, falling apart, dying, it's making me so confused. I feel like I should still think about staying in Davis for a year until I get my act together, but then, with all of these people drifting away, all of this death and change, I just wonder if this is the time for me to leave. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. So much is going on right now, energetically. It all comes back to, what the heck am I supposed to get from all of this, and what I am supposed to do with my life as a result? I know that things will be come clear in time, but that's no comfort to me now.
Just a thought for today:

When love comes quickly, unabashedly, and without strings, give yourself to it. When you are sure that you have found someone you knew before you met him or her, give in. True love is worth the pain it causes when lost. For all the stings and aches I now deal with, for every tear I cry, for every day that I will miss Matthew, there are a hundred thousand little moments in which I find myself overpowered with gratitude and joy for having had him in my life. I will fear neither death, nor love, nor life because I met that one person in the over two billion on this planet who was THE ONE.

This is what keeps me going from day to day. This one thing is what keeps me alive inside. And though I know the love I experienced is going to make it hurt more and more for a time, I also know that the love I experienced is also what will heal the wounds Matt's death had caused me.

Coping

Mar. 27th, 2005 11:50 pm
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
I just got back about two hours ago from Seattle. This has been a long weekend.

The funeral. )

I'm staying with my parents for a few days. This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good part is that my mom's office needs some help, and they're going to pay me a bit more than my regular job does, so I'm working with them. This'll give me a little more money to pay for the next couple of months (rent, food, and classes at the experimental college to keep me busy). This also gives me a chance to hang out with my family, which I enjoy. The bad thing is that, while I love my parents dearly, they're dealing with this situation by coddling me, which is starting to get on my nerves. They're kinda putting pressure on me to move back in with them. My parents are now so afraid of losing me they just keep pulling on me back to them. And, while I understand the panic all of this has triggered in their brains, I need a little space to deal with this huge change in my life. I am certain that by the end of my visit I will be so very, very happy to go home.

I was actually kind of disappointed to leave Matt's family so quickly. Mom needed to work and I am going in with her. However, I just feel like they need the love and support right now. I hope they know that my thoughts are with them this week. And if they don't, they will when I e-mail them in a day or so.

Well, it's late and I'm going to get some sleep. I am emotionally, spiritually, and physically tired. I'll write more tomorrow perhaps. Goodnight.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
Well, finals are over. Somehow I managed to finish my last final on 1 1/2 hours of sleep, and probably ace it. (Whew!) I also kept falling asleep during the final, but that's a story for another day.

It's been hard to get up in the morning. On Mourning )

I'm off to go do something with myself. Otherwise I'm going to sit here in the computer lab and start crying. (I'd rather cry at home... I have cats and people there to comfort me.)
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
So it's really friggin' late, and I should be at home studying for my eight o'clock final, but here I am in the computer lab typing yet another entry for livejournal. Go figure.

Ramblings on Fate )

This is so hard. Everyday I see something cool that Matt would like, and I want to tell him about it. I say it out loud anyway, as he just might be around to hear it, but it's not the same. I can't kiss his skin, or rub his neck, or lie next to him in our bed and talk the cares, joys, and little wonders of the day into memory. And that sucks.

I keep telling myself that it was a blessing that I could be there to talk Matt through dying. I keep telling myself that my being there helped him to move on. I keep telling myself that he won't just hang around, or be stuck in limbo because he knows that I'll do all right. I hope all of that is true.

It's just that some moments in the day are much more beige without Matt to share them with. And some moments of the day are so much more beautiful for my understanding of how fragile, impermanent, and mutable the world really is. It pulls me in two directions; I find myself sad that the world is so much more dull and angry that I should feel that way because life is a beautiful thing.

I'll stop here before it gets far too late in the evening for me to get some actual studying done. I've been unable to focus, but I've got to keep my "C" in this class. I have to finish what I've started.
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, delirious of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding across the stars..." - Jack Kerouac

I woke up early this morning and spent it going over all of the old letters Matt and I wrote to each other. It's funny, I wrote a lot. Matt wrote very little. After about a year of knowing each other, Matt had a tendency to just tell me what he was feeling. He never really wrote me cards or anything like that. He'd show me. I guess it all goes back to the beauty of impermanence - it is a wonderful thing because it doesn't last forever.

Hindsight is 20/20 )

If there is anything I have taken from this experience, it is a sheer, overwhelming love for life and the people I'm with. I've always loved life, but in the last six months I have lost track of that with all of the studying, stressing out, and reaching for a perfection I know that no one can attain. Matt has made the world more vivid to me, in life, and in death. I wrote in a letter to him that I would want Matt to live, to breathe, to move on with a clear heart should I ever die. While he never told me outright (Matt never talked to me about death - he always lived in the now), I know he'd want me to do the same.

So I go on in this mad, crazy, ever-spinning world to new adventures. Every day is so special. Every day I breathe is so good. While I miss Matt, I am so grateful to have the time that I do to share this world with the rest of you. I hope you find love and peace in your day as well.

Enough philosophy. I have Behavioral Ecology of the Insects to study. (mmmm crunchy!)
singerinthedark: (Matthew Looking out)
So, live journal was always one of those things that was funny, you know... Something you never thought you would get involved in. So, I guess I'm funny now. ;)

Monday morning I held my fiancee's hand as he died. Monday morning every plan, every idea, every notion I had turned out to be dead and false. Monday morning I lost my best friend, my love, and my soul-mate.

Rambling on about Matt, Life, and Death )

Am I wrong to feel cheated? I have had more love and adventure in four years with Matt than many people have in 50 years of marriage. I feel like I've known him for a lifetime. So why should I feel so cheated?

It hurts so much. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that some day I am granted the wisdom to know why this happened, or what lesson I am supposed to take from this. But for now, it just hurts.

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August 2010

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